Joke Archive #5

What Is It ... ?

A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough."

"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Yamaha? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly.

"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead"

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'

"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."

Story about a popular young Minister

This is a story about a popular young Minister, who on Sabbath eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No-one wants him to leave.

George, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Minister stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Minister will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college educations of their children!!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Smith, age 70, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Minister stays, I'll give him sex !"

There is total silence.

The Minister, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Smith, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw the Minister!"

Another Hoax/Lie-mail, I got this from a friend:

INTERESTING....

Since America is typically represented by an eagle, Saddam should have read his Muslim passages... The following verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible)

Quran (9:11) -- For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the
lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair
still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of
Allah; and there was peace.

Note the verse number!!!!!

After checking it out at the hoax sites and determining that it is 100% hooey I wrote him back with this:

Sorry Dick

This (too) is a hoax... much like all the Nostradamus gibberish that comes out after each election and disaster.

Here are three English translations of verse 9-11 in the Qu'ran:

But (even so), if they repent, establish regular prayers, and practice regular charity, they are your brethren in Faith: (thus) do We explain the Signs in detail, for those who understand.

But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due, then are they your brethren in religion. We detail Our revelations for a people who have knowledge.

But if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, they are your brethren in faith; and We make the communications clear for a people who know.

The earliest instance found of the fake passage, evidently intended as a joke in its original context, is in a Usenet posting dated February 14, 2003.

The Koran never mentions an eagle of any kind, it's part of a joke off Usenet posted back in February.

His son-in-law sent me a variation of this (I modified it some)

Translations of verse 9-11 in the Qu'ran give you the seemingly innocuous passage:

"But, if they repent, establish regular prayers, and practice regular charity, they are your brethren in Faith: (thus) do We explain the Signs in detail, for those who understand."

but if you assign the original Arabic letters with Arabic numerals, eliminating prime numbers, in reverse alphabetical order, respectively, progressively, to each letter of the Islam alphabet, then multiply each number by 1776, convert the results back into the Arabic Alphabet, translate the results into ancient Greek, print out the result and read it backwards in a mirror, you will see a coded message that says: "

"George Bush is in reality the second coming of Jesus Christ and his Crucifixion during his third term in office will portend Armageddon."

I am playing with this, the 1973 vs 2003 part bulk mailed to me by my son's fiancée/girlfriend (I wish they would make up their mind) I am trying to add the 1953 part but I need to improve them.

1953: Crew Cut

1973: Long hair

2003: Longing for hair

1953: High School
1973: The perfect high

2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1953: KGB
1973: KEG
2003: EKG

1953: Acid test
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux

1953: Where the hell is California
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm

1953: Chicken in every pot
1973: Growing pot
2003: Growing pot belly

1953: Trying to be Marlon Brando and Liz Taylor
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1953: Tobacco
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage

1953: Weed puller
1973: Killer weed
2003: Weed killer

1953: BMW? Didn't they make airplanes for the Luftwaffe
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM

1953: Pearl Harbor dead
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian

1953: Go to a hip joint

1973: Be hip, smoke a joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint

1953: Throwing Stones

1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones

1953: Being called into the principal's office
1973: Calling the principal's office
2003: Watching your IRA principle disappear

1953: Respect the System
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system

1953: Disney
1973: Disco
2003: Senior Citizen Discount

1953: Parents taking you to get a haircut
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1953: Drop and Cover test
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test

1953: What me Worry (MAD Magazine debuted in 1953)
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said," So, tell me."
She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder . . .
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

Saint Peter Fainted

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamor
And enamor rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does.

Now first say
finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and
gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loathe.
Job, nob, knob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give,
verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation-think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough-
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA

URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED :

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH

PHONE: 202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111 FAX: 202.456.2461

DEAR SIR / MADAM,

I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.

I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A! TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.

IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING-OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U. S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY.

MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U. S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES.

MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT.

WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY! SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER.

I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL.

I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL.

IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER. I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY, AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS ABOVE.

SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,

GEORGE WALKER BUSH

1/29/2003, Just found out this is a rip off of a W. Bruce Cameron column... I was duped... Original is below. I don't have his permission to put it here so it may disappear suddenly....

1/26/2003 (I said I would post anything that made me laugh out loud)

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started.

Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy

ORIGINAL

Yes, this is an old one, but it is a favorite of mine... and apparently of a lot of other people, because this time of year I see it posted all over the web without my by-line. To set the record straight, here's a reprint. If you've read it before and are tired of the thing, I apologize! Bruce

My Exercise Diary Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided that I'd go ahead and try it as a New Year's Resolution type of thing. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the T. V. remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

-- write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ For reprint permission, including web sites, please write me at Bruce@wbrucecameron.com

This newsletter may be distributed freely via e-mail but you MUST include the following subscription and copyright information:

The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2003 http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Are we there yet?

An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends. During their first intercourse, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.

"Crap," said the ant. "Five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave.

Saw this and it cracked me up... I especially like the part about the Atari...

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so damn easy!

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.. when we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the damn mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over some part of it and screw it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?

You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jack-off to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog!

Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was; it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the hell I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

Good For Nothing Kid Fails To Call 911 In Emergency

BROOKLINE, MA — Don't expect a ceremony honoring 8-year-old Billy Thompson any time soon, said local authorities after the second grader failed to call 911 when his mother collapsed at home.

At approximately 10:30 Tuesday morning, Helen Thompson was eating breakfast with her son when she began choking on a piece of overcooked bacon.

According to police reports, she began coughing hard, then grabbed her neck and pointed to it several times as her face turned a deep shade of blue.

Although Billy was taught the international sign for choking as well as how to call 911 in an emergency, he failed to perform either the Heimlich Maneuvoer, CPR or make any emergency phone call.

When questioned by the authorities, Billy explained he thought his mother was just taking a nap on the floor like she often did when she was drinking.

"There's no question about it," said paramedic, Joe Wilson. "If Billy had called 911, we would have arrived in time to save his mother. I hope that little bastard gets what's coming to him."

Reaction from locals was harsh and swift. "He's always been a good-for-nothing kid," said next door neighbor, Dick Halloway.

"If I had a boy like that, I would have drowned him years ago." Neighbor Gertie Jones agreed."I remember when Sally just up the street had a heart attack and her 3 year-old granddaughter remembered to call 911. That little girl was a hero and even got an award from the Mayor."

Billy's teacher, Miss Murphy was a bit more philosophical about the incident. "I would like to believe that every child has a unique gift to share with the world, but I'm afraid that just isn't true in Billy's case. I hope he gets cancer."

___ By Charles Horn © Copyright 2001, 2002 Orange Planet Entertainment

The Official GOP Survey

<< adult language >>

Attention Registered Republicans: Help President Bush and our newly righteous Congress exercise their sweeping mandate and prioritize America's 2003 legislative agenda. Voice your opinion on top issues by selecting from a carefully culled assortment of acceptable reactions in the Official GOP Survey below and you'll get the warm fuzzies from thinking you are influencing the national Republican leadership in determining the most important challenges they need to address!

2003 "GOVERNANCE BY SWEEPING MANDATE" PRIORITIES

Please select your top priority in each of the areas indicated below. When you're done, please include your contact information (to ensure accurate fund-raiser solicitation addressing.)

IRAQ/SADDAM HUSSEIN: - Indicate Priority -

* Regime Change

* Total Disarmament

* Instill Democratic Principles

* Teach Basic Hygiene

* Secure Lucrative Petroleum Drilling Rights

* Destroy Islam & Mandate Christianity

* Waste Major Towelhead Ass

TAXES: - Indicate Priority -

* Massive Tax Breaks for Petroleum Conglomerates

* Massive Tax Breaks for Fortune 100 Corporations

* Massive Tax Breaks for Multi-Billionaires

* Massive Tax Breaks for Billionaires

* Massive Tax Breaks for Multi-Millionaires

* Massive Tax Breaks for Millionaires

* Ramen Noodle Money for Everyone Else

JUDICIAL NOMINEES: - Indicate Priority -

* Overturn Roe vs. Wade

* Avenge Robert Bork

* Overturn Roe vs. Wade

* Abolish Separation of Church & State

* Overturn Roe vs. Wade

* Discredit Myth of "Evolution"

* Overturn Roe vs. Wade

* Ensure Plentiful Access to Assault Weapons

* Overturn Roe vs. Wade

IMMIGRATION: - Indicate Priority -

* Keep Out Arabiacs

* Keep Out Mexicans

* Keep Out Islamoids

* Keep Out Coloreds

* Keep Out Communists

* Keep Out Democrats

DOMESTIC SOCIAL PROBLEMS: - Indicate Priority -

* The Drug Problem

* The Media Problem

* The Negro Problem

* The Faggot Problem

* The Baby-Killer Problem

* The Heathen Problem

* The S-E-X Problem

* The Artist Problem

FOREIGN POLICY: - Indicate Priority -

* Tell Europe to "Fuck Off"

* Tell the Middle East to "Fuck Off"

* Tell Asia to "Fuck Off"

* Tell South America to "Fuck Off"

* Tell Africa to "Fuck Off"

* Tell France in particular to "Fuck Off"

* Tell Canada to "Get a Life"

THE ECONOMY: - Indicate Priority -

* Fight Terrorism

* Fight Terrorism

* Fight Terrorism

* Fight Terrorism

* Fight Terrorism

* Fight Terrorism

* Fight Terrorism

YOUR NAME: _________ YOUR E-MAIL: ___________

Yes! Contact me about Registered Patriot events in my area!

* NOTE: Please remember to vote early, often, and at multiple locations.

Thanks to Nancy Lambert nlambert@pdnt.com

I've been reading a local history about Eugene Township (Indiana) by Harold L. O'Donnell, which was published in 1963. In one chapter he mentions the Chicago and Eastern Illinois (C&EI) Railroad coming to town, and he discusses the danger it was to livestock. "Livestock in the early day were a constant source of trouble between the railroads and the farmers. Stock would be killed and it was, of course, always the fault of the railroads. In one case a farmer had a hog killed by a train and since he believed himself to have some ability as a poet, wrote the railroad claim agent as follows:

My razorback strolled down your track,

A week ago today.

Your #29 came down the line,

And snuffed his life away.

You can't blame me; the hog you see,

Slipped through a cattle gate;

So kindly pen a check for ten,

The debt to liquidate.

He was surprised a few days later to receive the following:

Old #29 came down the line,

And killed your hog, we know;

But razorbacks on railroad tracks,

Quite often meet with woe.

Therefore, my friend, we cannot send,

The check for which you pine,

Just plant the dead; place o'er his head;

'Here lies a foolish swine.' "

In RootsWeb Review 5:12 you published a very nice pair of poems about a farmer trying to get a check from a railroad company in compensation for a hog killed by a train. I'm surprised you missed the obvious chiasmus:

Should the railroad pen the hog check, or should the farmer check the hog pen?

--Jim Eggert EggertJ@crosswinds.net

John McLinden sent me these from the Suffolk_List

A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.

A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots.

A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.

A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.

After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.

Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!

Always willing to share my ignorance ...

Am I the only person up my tree ... sure seems like it.

Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.

Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree

Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!

Crazy is a relative term in my family.

Documentation ...The hardest part of genealogy.

FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.

Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it.

Genealogists are time unravelers.

Genealogists live in the past lane.

Genealogy ... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?

Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide ... I seek!

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!

How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!

I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap ...

I researched my family tree ... and apparently I don't exist!

I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!

I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.

I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.

If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help ...

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower.

I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.

I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.

I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me?

Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!

It's 2000 ... Do you know where your G-G-Grandparents are?

It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.

Many a family tree needs pruning.

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!

My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?

My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.

Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.

Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!

Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.

Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.

Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!

That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!

That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards

Subject: 1901 compared to 2001

The average life expectancy in the United States was 47.
Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.
Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.
A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was twenty-two cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.
More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
Drive by shootings in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.
Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet.
Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Coca~Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.
Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.
Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one fulltime servant or domestic.
There were about 230 reported murders in the US annually.

I was in a check out line the other day and the couple in front were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy..."Stop being a scrote!"

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."