GW

Bumper Stickers

(On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush!

1/20/09: End of an Error

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

Which God Do You Kill For?

Cheney/Satan '08

Jail to the Chief!

Who Would Jesus Torture?

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

Like Jesus Would Own a Gun and Vote Republican

Bad president! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood

Is It Vietnam Yet?

Bush Doesn't Care About White People Either

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.

Impeach Cheney First!

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46 . . .

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

Bushism's perloined from "Give me a chance to be your president and America will be safer and stronger and better." ?Still-President George W. Bush, Marquette, Michigan, July 13, 2004

"And I am an optimistic person. I guess if you want to try to find something to be pessimistic about, you can find it, no matter how hard you look, you know?" ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 15, 2004

"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You're doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That's where you started practicing? That's good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." ?George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004

"Like you, I have been disgraced about what I've seen on TV that took place in prison." ?George W. Bush, Parkersburg, West Virginia, May 13, 2004

"My job is to, like, think beyond the immediate." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 21, 2004

"This has been tough weeks in that country." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2004

"Coalition forces have encountered serious violence in some areas of Iraq. Our military commanders report that this violence is being insticated by three groups." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2004

"Obviously, I pray every day there's less casualty." ?George W. Bush, Fort Hood, Texas, April 11, 2004

"Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy." ?George W. Bush, citing Jahmi, who is a man, in a speech paying tribute to women reformers during International Women's Week, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2004

"The march to war hurt the economy. Laura reminded me a while ago that remember what was on the TV screens ? she calls me, 'George W.' ? 'George W.' I call her, 'First Lady.' No, anyway ? she said, we said, march to war on our TV screen." ?George W. Bush, Bay Shore, New York, Mar. 11, 2004
"God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear." ?George W. Bush, Los Angeles, Calif., March 3, 2004

"Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 19, 2004

"The march to war affected the people's confidence. It's hard to make investment. See, if you're a small business owner or a large business owner and you're thinking about investing, you've got to be optimistic when you invest. Except when you're marching to war, it's not a very optimistic thought, is it? In other words, it's the opposite of optimistic when you're thinking you're going to war." ?George W. Bush, Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004

"But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves." ?George W. Bush, Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004

"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences." ?George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004

"There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had a weapon." ?George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004

"The recession started upon my arrival. It could have been ? some say February, some say March, some speculate maybe earlier it started ? but nevertheless, it happened as we showed up here. The attacks on our country affected our economy. Corporate scandals affected the confidence of people and therefore affected the economy. My decision on Iraq, this kind of march to war, affected the economy." ?George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004

"My views are one that speaks to freedom." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004

"See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office ? I love to bring people into the Oval Office ? right around the corner from here ? and say, this is where I office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004

"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than ? I say more Muslims ? a lot of Muslims have died ? I don't know the exact count ? at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004

"Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

"Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter." ?George W. Bush, advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, N.M., Jan. 22, 2004

"I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. Jan. 14, 2004

"I was a prisoner too, but for bad reasons." ?George W. Bush, to Argentine President Nestor Kirchner, on being told that all but one of the Argentine delegates to a summit meeting were imprisoned during the military dictatorship, Monterrey, Mexico, Jan. 13, 2004

"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor ? the president ? governor ? president. Oops. Ex-governor. I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment I watched him?get a Purple Heart for action in Iraq ? and at that same ? right after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United States ? a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 9, 2004

"And if you're interested in the quality of education and you're paying attention to what you hear at Laclede, why don't you volunteer? Why don't you mentor a child how to read?" ?George W. Bush, St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 5, 2004

"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well." ?George W. Bush, St. Louis, Mos., Jan. 5, 2004

"I want to remind you all that in order to fight and win the war, it requires an expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they're well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003

"See, without the tax relief package, there would have been a deficit, but there wouldn't have been the commiserate ? not 'commiserate' ? the kick to our economy that occurred as a result of the tax relief." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003

"[T]he Iraqis need to be very much involved. They were the people that was brutalized by this man." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003

"[T]he best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003

"Justice was being delivered to a man who defied that gift from the Almighty to the people of Iraq." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003

"This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 6, 2003

"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the ? the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003

"[W]hether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., October 8, 2003

"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." ?George W. Bush, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

"Washington is a town where there's all kinds of allegations. You've heard much of the allegations. And if people have got solid information, please come forward with it. And that would be people inside the information who are the so-called anonymous sources, or people outside the information ? outside the administration." ?George W. Bush, Chicago, Sept. 30, 2003

"[W]e've had leaks out of the administrative branch, had leaks out of the legislative branch, and out of the executive branch and the legislative branch, and I've spoken out consistently against them, and I want to know who the leakers are." ?George W. Bush, Chicago, Sept. 30, 2003

"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003

"I'm so pleased to be able to say hello to Bill Scranton. He's one of the great Pennsylvania political families." ?George W. Bush, Drexel Hill, Penn., Sept. 15, 2003

"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mom or a dad." ?George W. Bush, Jacksonville, Florida, Sept. 9, 2003

"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information, the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another opinion." ?George W. Bush, Jacksonville, Florida, Sept. 9, 2003

"I'm a follower of American politics." ?George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003

"[T]hat's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric." ?George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003

"We had a good Cabinet meeting, talked about a lot of issues. Secretary of State and Defense brought us up to date about our desires to spread freedom and peace around the world." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 1, 2003

"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 25, 2003

"Our country puts $1 billion a year up to help feed the hungry. And we're by far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But we are. We're very generous." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 16, 2003

"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America." ?George W. Bush, Dakar, Senegal, July 8, 2003

"My answer is bring them on."?On Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces, George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003

"You've also got to measure in order to begin to effect change that's just more ? when there's more than talk, there's just actual ? a paradigm shift." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 1, 2003

"I urge the leaders in Europe and around the world to take swift, decisive action against terror groups such as Hamas, to cut off their funding, and to support ? cut funding and support, as the United States has done." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 25, 2003

"Iran would be dangerous if they have a nuclear weapon." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 18, 2003

"Now, there are some who would like to rewrite history?revisionist historians is what I like to call them." ?George W. Bush, Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003

"I am determined to keep the process on the road to peace." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 10, 2003

"The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just like they'd like to be loved themselves." ?George W. Bush, Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003

"We are making steadfast progress." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 9, 2003

"I'm the master of low expectations." ?George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." ?George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003

"Oftentimes, we live in a processed world ? you know, people focus on the process and not results." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003

"I've got very good relations with President Mubarak and Crown Prince Abdallah and the King of Jordan, Gulf Coast countries." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003

"All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003

"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003

"We've had a great weekend here in the Land of the Enchanted." ?George W. Bush, Albuquerque, N.M., May 12, 2003 (New Mexico's state nickname is "Land of Enchantment")


"I think war is a dangerous place." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2003

"We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure." ?George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, May 3, 2003

"We've got hundreds of sites to exploit, looking for the chemical and biological weapons that we know Saddam Hussein had prior to our entrance into Iraq." ?George W. Bush, Santa Clara, Calif., May 2, 2003

"I don't bring God into my life to ? to, you know, kind of be a political person." ?George W. Bush, interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April 24, 2003

"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order ? order out of chaos. But we will." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2003

"Perhaps one way will be, if we use military force, in the post-Saddam Iraq the U.N. will definitely need to have a role. And that way it can begin to get its legs, legs of responsibility back." ?George W. Bush, the Azores, Portugal, March 16, 2003


"Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement ? retiring ? in the process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring." ?George W. Bush, Alexandria, Va., Feb. 12, 2003

"[The Space Shuttle] Columbia carried in its payroll classroom experiments from some of our students in America." ?George W. Bush, Bethesda, Md., Feb. 3, 2003

"And, most importantly, Alma Powell, secretary of Colin Powell, is with us." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 30, 2003


"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." ?George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003

"When Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war criminal." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 22, 2003

"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end." ?George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 8, 2003
Great Surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

I keep finding so many funny topical political jokes I decided I didn't want to lose them...:

The first one, unfortunately, isn't a joke

Copied below is a transcript of the letter sent by the

Project for the New American Century (PNAC)

to President Bill Clinton, in Jan 1998.

January 26, 1998



To: The Honorable William J. Clinton, President of the United States, Washington, DC



Dear Mr. President:

We are writing you because we are convinced that current American policy toward Iraq is not succeeding, and that we may soon face a threat in the Middle East more serious than any we have known since the end of the Cold War.

In your upcoming State of the Union Address, you have an opportunity to chart a clear and determined course for meeting this threat.

We urge you to seize that opportunity, and to enunciate a new strategy that would secure the interests of the U.S. and our friends and allies around the world.

That strategy should aim, above all, at the removal of Saddam Hussein’s regime from power. We stand ready to offer our full support in this difficult but necessary endeavor.

The policy of “containment” of Saddam Hussein has been steadily eroding over the past several months.

As recent events have demonstrated, we can no longer depend on our partners in the Gulf War coalition to continue to uphold the sanctions or to punish Saddam when he blocks or evades UN inspections.

Our ability to ensure that Saddam Hussein is not producing weapons of mass destruction, therefore, has substantially diminished.

Even if full inspections were eventually to resume, which now seems highly unlikely, experience has shown that it is difficult if not impossible to monitor Iraq’s chemical and biological weapons production.

The lengthy period during which the inspectors will have been unable to enter many Iraqi facilities has made it even less likely that they will be able to uncover all of Saddam’s secrets.

As a result, in the not-too-distant future we will be unable to determine with any reasonable level of confidence whether Iraq does or does not possess such weapons.

Such uncertainty will, by itself, have a seriously destabilizing effect on the entire Middle East.

It hardly needs to be added that if Saddam does acquire the capability to deliver weapons of mass destruction, as he is almost certain to do if we continue along the present course, the safety of American troops in the region, of our friends and allies like Israel and the moderate Arab states, and a significant portion of the world’s supply of oil will all be put at hazard.

As you have rightly declared, Mr. President, the security of the world in the first part of the 21st century will be determined largely by how we handle this threat.

Given the magnitude of the threat, the current policy, which depends for its success upon the steadfastness of our coalition partners and upon the cooperation of Saddam Hussein, is dangerously inadequate.

The only acceptable strategy is one that eliminates the possibility that Iraq will be able to use or threaten to use weapons of mass destruction. In the near term, this means a willingness to undertake military action as diplomacy is clearly failing.

In the long term, it means removing Saddam Hussein and his regime from power. That now needs to become the aim of American foreign policy.

We urge you to articulate this aim, and to turn your Administration's attention to implementing a strategy for removing Saddam's regime from power. This will require a full complement of diplomatic, political and military efforts.

Although we are fully aware of the dangers and difficulties in implementing this policy, we believe the dangers of failing to do so are far greater.

We believe the U.S. has the authority under existing UN resolutions to take the necessary steps, including military steps, to protect our vital interests in the Gulf.

In any case, American policy cannot continue to be crippled by a misguided insistence on unanimity in the UN Security Council.

We urge you to act decisively. If you act now to end the threat of weapons of mass destruction against the U.S. or its allies, you will be acting in the most fundamental national security interests of the country.

If we accept a course of weakness and drift, we put our interests and our future at risk.

Sincerely,
 

Elliott Abrams, Richard L. Armitage, William J. Bennett,
Jeffrey Bergner, John Bolton, Paula Dobriansky,
Francis Fukuyama, Robert Kagan, Zalmay Khalilzad,
William Kristol, Richard Perle, Peter W. Rodman,
Donald Rumsfeld, William Schneider, Jr., Vin Weber
Paul Wolfowitz, R. James Woolsey, Robert B. Zoellick
 

Bush's Urgent & Confidential Business Proposal

URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq. My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring Islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers below.

Sincerely with warm regards,

George Walker Bush

Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov

Source: This parody of the ubiquitous Nigerian scam letter was written by Zoltan Grossman

1/31/2003

"The very first act of the new Bush administration was to have a Protestant Evangelist minister officially dedicate the inauguration to Jesus Christ, who he declared to be 'our savior.' Invoking 'the Father, the Son, the Lord Jesus Christ' and 'the Holy Spirit,' Billy Graham's son, the man selected by President George W. Bush to bless his presidency, excluded the tens of millions of Americans who are Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Shintoists, Unitarians, agnostics and atheists from his blessing by his particularistic and parochial language.
"The plain message conveyed by the new administration is that George W. Bush's America is a Christian nation, and that non-Christians are welcome into the tent so long as they agree to accept their status as a tolerated minority rather than as fully equal citizens. In effect, Bush is saying: 'This is our home, and in our home we pray to Jesus as our savior. If you want to be a guest in our home, you must accept the way we pray.'"
-- Alan M. Dershowitz, in "Bush Starts Off by Defying the the Constitution," Los Angeles Times, January 24, 2001


Religion and freedom quotations: Sheree Boulet and Cliff Walker.



George W. Bush
The 43rd President of the United States (2001)



Preliminary Tease:
Best Bush Botches!!

This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while.
-- George W. Bush, using a loaded term which recalls the Christians' Medieval wars against Muslims in the so-called Holy Land, after stepping off the presidential helicopter on Sunday, September 16, 2001, quoted from Jonathan Lyons, "Bush enters Mideast's rhetorical minefield " (Reuters: September 21, 2001). Bush later apologized for this remark.

I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state.
-- George W. Bush, proving that he has it backwards: it's a "wall" separating religion from government, not a "bridge" joining the two, January 29, 2001, quoted from Jacob Weinberg, "The Complete Bushisms"

First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country.
-- George W. Bush, regarding the Kyoto accord. in a Washington Post, interview, April 24, 2001, quoted from Jacob Weinberg, "The Complete Bushisms"

We are ready for any unforeseen event which may or may not happen.
-- George W. Bush, quoted from Oxford Dictionary of Phrase, Saying and Quotation (Second Edition, 2002) ††

I expect you to work hard on our agenda.
-- George W. Bush, describing his "life's mission, the task by which he will be defined and judged," but making more than a few of us nervous after observing how he has approached this "mission" thus far, to his full cabinet meeting in response to the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, quoted from Frank Bruni, "For Bush, a Mission and a Defining Moment" (September 22, 2001)

They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program.
-- George W. Bush, St. Charles, Missouri, November 2, 2000

I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified.
-- George W. Bush, Austin, Texas, January 8, 2001, quoted from Jacob Weinberg, "The Complete Bushisms"

As young Americans, you have an important responsibility, which is to become good citizens.
-- George W. Bush, in a June, 2001, letter to British students at Oakhill College in Lancashire, England: had they been Americans, wouldn't they already be citizens? Quoted from Randy Cassingham, "This is True" (24 June 2001).

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say to you: you, too, can be president of the United States.
-- George W. Bush, receiving an honorary degree at Yale, quoted from Newsweek, June, 4, 2001

No.
-- George W. Bush, responding to Dallas Morning News reporter Wayne Slater's 1998 question asking "Were you ever arrested after 1968?" Quoted from The New Republic, November, 1999; also quoted in MSNBC.com Headline News, November 3, 2000.

Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican.
-- George W. Bush, refusing to answer reporters' questions at the Summit of the Americas, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001, quoted from Jacob Weinberg, "The Complete Bushisms"

Please don't kill me!
-- George W. Bush, sadistically mocking condemned killer Karla Faye Tucker, complete with whimpering voice, in an interview with Talk Magazine's Tucker Carlson, quoted from J. H. Hatfield, Favorite Son (2000), caption of photo opposite page 165

There ought to be limits to freedom.
-- George W. Bush, complaining about a website (www.gwbush.com) critical of him, at an Austin Press Conference, May 21, 1999, quoted from www.gwbush.com and the Democratic Alliance, "Yes, They Really Said It!"







George W. Bush
The 43rd President of the United States (2001)



• Continue with Alphabetically Sequenced Quotations
• Return to Top of This Page

Bush: 'Crusade'; Rumsfeld: 'Infinite Justice' -- Connotations of Christian Holy War?

Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.
-- George W. Bush, echoing the either-or, black-and-white thinking of Jesus, the founder-figure of the Christian religion ("He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad." -- Matthew 12:30) and thereby leaving room for no other options, in his September 20, 2001, "war whoop of folly, ... cheered on by a Congress overcome with grief and drunk with patriotism," quoted in and adjectives lifted from Matthew Rothschild, "War Whoop of Folly," in The Progressive (September 21, 2001)

These demands are not open to negotiation or discussion.
-- George W. Bush, in his "war whoop" speech to Congress, September 20, 2001, quoted from Matthew Rothschild, "War Whoop of Folly," in The Progressive (September 21, 2001)

[T]o give law enforcement the additional tools it needs to track down terror here at home.
-- George W. Bush, promising to chisel away at our most cherished freedoms, in his "war whoop" speech to Congress, September 20, 2001, quoted from Matthew Rothschild, "War Whoop of Folly," in The Progressive (September 21, 2001)

The course of this conflict is not known, yet its outcome is certain. Freedom and fear, justice and cruelty, have always been at war, and we know that God is not neutral between them.
-- George W. Bush, in other words, God is on our side (heard that before?), in his "war whoop" speech to Congress, September 20, 2001

This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while.
-- George W. Bush, using a loaded term that recalls the Christians' Medieval wars against Muslims in the Holy Land, after stepping off the presidential helicopter on Sunday, September 16, 2001, quoted from Jonathan Lyons, "Bush enters Mideast's rhetorical minefield " (Reuters: September 21, 2001). Bush later apologized for this remark.

When I take action, I’m not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It’s going to be decisive.
-- George W. Bush, to senators Hillary Clinton and Charles Schumer of New York and senators John Warner and George Allen of Virginia, quoted by Howard Fineman, "A President Finds His True Voice" (Newsweek: September 24, 2001)

[I encourage] employers to permit their workers time off during the lunch hour to attend the noontime services to pray for our land.
-- George W. Bush, ordering the National Day of Prayer and Remembrance which was held on September 14, 2001, quoted from Josh Karpf, "Atheism in the New Holy War"

We come before God to pray for the missing and the dead, and for those who loved them.... Our purpose as a nation is firm, yet our wounds as a people are recent and unhealed and lead us to pray.... This world he created is of moral design. Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance, and love have no end, and the Lord of life holds all who die and all who mourn.... Neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities, nor powers nor things present nor things to come nor height nor depth can separate us from God's love.
-- George W. Bush, in his sermon for the National Day of Prayer and Remembrance which was held on September 14, 2001, wherein Bush quoted the New Testament passage of Romans 8:38 (angels? principalities? powers?), quoted from Josh Karpf, "Atheism in the New Holy War"

"The blood-dimmed tide is loosed."
-- William Butler Yeats


"This isn't about feeding the poor or giving people job skills. There are already programs to do that, and if religious groups supported those goals, they'd pass the plate and make a contribution.
"This is about smuggling religion into social programs, and preying on some of the most vulnerable people in our society.
"This will also involve the government into making unconstitutional decisions as to what qualifies as legitimate 'faith' and into funding an already multi-billion-dollar industry that would be able to discriminate in its hiring practices."
-- Ron Barrier, Communications Director for American Atheists, in the American Atheists Press Release of February 12, 2001, titled, "American Atheists Launches Petition Drive; Names to Be Presented to White House at Saturday, February 24 Demo"




George W. Bush
The 43rd President of the United States (2001)

The Role Religion Plays In Bush's Approach to Government

Tyrants and dictators will accept no other gods before them. They require disobedience to the First Commandment. They seek absolute control and are threatened by faith in God. They fear only the power they cannot possess -- the power of truth. So they resent the living example of the devout, especially the devotion of a unique people chosen by God.
-- George W. Bush, blaming the Holocaust on godlessness, rather than on Christian anti-Semitism of Martin Luther, St. Paul, and the Jesus of Matthew's and John's Gospels, and ignoring the fact that Adolf Hitler repeatedly called himself a Christian, pretended to be obeying Christ, and cannot be shown to have been an atheist, at the National Commemoration of the Days of Remembrance at the U.S. Capitol on April 19, 2001, quoted from Freedom From Religion Foundation, "Bush's Holocaust Remarks Distort History, Scapegoat Freethinkers" April 25, 2001

We should fund the armies of compassion, we should not discriminate against faith-based programs.
-- George W. Bush, still confusing the constitutional mandate of government neutrality toward religion, at Notre Dame University on May 24, 2001

Scripture says: "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." I call on every American family and the family of America to observe a National Day of Prayer and Remembrance, honoring the memory of the thousands of victims of these brutal attacks and comforting those who lost loved ones. We will persevere through this national tragedy and personal loss. In time, we will find healing and recovery; and, in the face of all this evil, we remain strong and united, "one Nation under God."
-- George W. Bush, directing the religious exercises of his constituents and proclaiming a strange unity which omits at least ten percent of the population: "National Day of Prayer and Remembrance for the Victims Of the Terrorist Attacks on September 11, 2001" (September 14, 2001)

God's signs are not always the ones we look for. We learn in tragedy that his purposes are not always our own. Yet the prayers of private suffering, whether in our homes or in this great cathedral, are known and heard, and understood.
There are prayers that help us last through the day, or endure the night. There are prayers of friends and strangers, that give us strength for the journey. And there are prayers that yield our will to a will greater than our own....
On this National Day of Prayer and Remembrance, we ask almighty God to watch over our nation, and grant us patience and resolve in all that is to come. We pray that He will comfort and console those who now walk in sorrow. We thank Him for each life we now must mourn, and the promise of a life to come.
-- George W. Bush, "President's Remarks at National Day of Prayer and Remembrance" at the The National Cathedral (September 14, 2001)

My administration will be more supportive of the good works done here than any administration in the history of this country because I understand the power of faith, that faith can change lives.
-- George W. Bush, still refusing to admit that "faith-based" programs have not been shown to be more effective than secular programs, but still ignoring the fact that "faith-based" programs are typically unfair in thier administration and hiring, and more often than not exploit thier captive audiences to make sales pitches for the Lord, at Notre Dame University on May 24, 2001

And I strongly support the faith-based initiative that we're proposing, because I don't believe it violates the line between the separation of church and state, and I believe it's going to make America a better place.
-- George W. Bush, making a muddled reference to the Establishment Clause, quoted from Conrad Goeringer, AANEWS #889 (February 28, 2001) from American Atheists

I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state.
-- George W. Bush, proving that he has it backwards: it's a "wall" separating religion from government, not a "bridge" joining the two, during a question and answer session with the press, January 29, 2001, quoted from Jacob Weinberg, "The Complete Bushisms"

Take the life issue. This issue requires a president and an administration leading our nation to understand the importance of life. This whole faith-based initiative really ties into a larger cultural issue that we're working on. It begins to affect the life issue, as well as the human dignity issue, because when you're talking about welcoming people of faith to help people who are disadvantaged and are unable to defend themselves, the logical step is also those babies.
-- George W. Bush, unaware that a press microphone was on, telling Roman Catholic "faith-based" subsidy supporters that they are "vital allies" because they won't "be eroded by political correctness or whatever," and assuring them that his scheme to give tax money to religious groups will help them promote opposition to legal abortion, at the White House on January 31, 2001, quoted from Margaret Sykes, "Bush Caught on Tape -- Again: Says he'll use tax dollars to help religious groups oppose abortion," About Pro-Choice Views, February 1, 2001

We've got a cultural issue in America. We've got to change the whole way the issue is looked at. That's the mission. Some in the political process don't have enough patience for that, and I probably don't either.
-- George W. Bush, unaware that a press microphone was on, while telling Roman Catholic "faith-based" subsidy supporters that his scheme to give tax money to religious groups will help them promote opposition to legal abortion, at the White House on January 31, 2001, quoted from Margaret Sykes, "Bush Caught on Tape -- Again: Says he'll use tax dollars to help religious groups oppose abortion," About Pro-Choice Views, February 1, 2001

The days of discriminating against religious institutions simply because they are religious must come to an end.
-- George W. Bush, willfully misrepresenting, once again, the whole point of state-church separation, at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, for which organizers refused to release a full list of attendees, February 1, 2001, quoted from Conrad Goeringer, "Bush Promotes Faith at Prayer Breakfast: Bipartisan Support for New White House Office," AANEWS 881, February 2, 2001, from American Atheists

Faith crosses every border and touches every heart in every nation.
-- George W. Bush, with a slap in the fact to the ten percent of Americans who are not religious, at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, for which organizers refused to release a full list of attendees, February 1, 2001, quoted from Conrad Goeringer, "Bush Promotes Faith at Prayer Breakfast: Bipartisan Support for New White House Office," AANEWS 881, February 2, 2001, from American Atheists

We do not prescribe any prayer; we welcome all prayer.
-- George W. Bush, promoting religion over nonreligion at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, for which organizers refused to release a full list of attendees, February 1, 2001, quoted from Conrad Goeringer, "Bush Promotes Faith at Prayer Breakfast: Bipartisan Support for New White House Office," AANEWS 881, February 2, 2001, from American Atheists

It has sustained me in moments of success and in moments of disappointment. Without it, I'd be a different person. And without it, I doubt I'd be here today.
-- George W. Bush, promoting the Christian faith at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, for which organizers refused to release a full list of attendees, February 1, 2001, quoted from Conrad Goeringer, "Bush Promotes Faith at Prayer Breakfast: Bipartisan Support for New White House Office," AANEWS 881, February 2, 2001, from American Atheists

Our plan will not favor religious institutions over nonreligious institutions. As president, I'm interested in what is constitutional and I'm interested in what works.
-- George W. Bush, promoting his scheme to funnel tax dollars into religoius "charities" which will not be held accountable for discriminating against nonreligious and other-religious workers, and the validity of which religious groups are worthy of being funded will be decided by the government (Bush has already stated that the Nation of Islam will not qualify), at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, for which organizers refused to release a full list of attendees, February 1, 2001, quoted from Conrad Goeringer, "Bush Promotes Faith at Prayer Breakfast: Bipartisan Support for New White House Office," AANEWS 881, February 2, 2001, from American Atheists

We have set out to promote the work of community and faith-based charities. Government cannot be replaced by charities, but it can welcome them as partners instead of resenting them as rivals.
-- George W. Bush, softening the criticism against his scheme to funnel tax money into reigious "outreach" organizations (read: evangelistic efforts), at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, for which organizers refused to release a full list of attendees, February 1, 2001, quoted from Conrad Goeringer, "Bush Promotes Faith at Prayer Breakfast: Bipartisan Support for New White House Office," AANEWS 881, February 2, 2001, from American Atheists

It is one of the great goals of my administration to invigorate the spirit of involvement and citizenship. We will encourage faith-based and community programs without changing their mission.
-- George W. Bush, establishing a White House office dedicated to encouraging faith-based organizations to seek federal funds to help solve social problems like drug addiction and homelessness, while allowing organized religion to continue to exploit its new captive audience through evangelistic efforts, and potentially allowing state-funded religious groups to discriminate both against those who seek help and those who seek emplyment, quoted from Steve Holland, "Bush Sets Up Faith-Based Office at White House," Reuters, January 29, 2001

And this is my solemn pledge: I will work to build a single nation of justice and opportunity. I know this is in our reach because we are guided by a power larger than ourselves who creates us equal in His image.
-- George W. Bush, showing gross insensitivity to the constitutional principle of government neutrality on religion, as well as showing that he's oblivious both to the diversity in the nation he now leads and to the very concept of unity, in his Inauguration Address, January 20, 2001

I ask Americans to bow our heads in humility before our Heavenly Father, a God who calls us not to judge our neighbors, but to love them, to ask His guidance upon our nation and its leaders in every level of government.
-- George W. Bush, National Day of Prayer Proclamation, January 20, 2001, one of his first acts as United States President, quoted from "President Bush Announces Religious Agenda on Inauguration Day: Bush Presents Himself as 'Determined Foe of Church-State Separation,' Says Americans United," January 20, 2001

Together, we will reclaim America's schools, before ignorance and apathy claim more young lives.
-- George W. Bush, Inauguration Address, January 20, 2001, preparing us for his already-announced plans to unveil an education plan on Tuesday that will feature taxpayer-funded vouchers for religious schools, in his Inauguration Address, January 20, 2001, quoted from Americans United press release titled, "President Bush Announces Religious Agenda on Inauguration Day: Bush Presents Himself as 'Determined Foe of Church-State Separation,' Says Americans United"

And some needs and hurts are so deep they will only respond to a mentor's touch or a pastor's prayer. Church and charity, synagogue and mosque, lend our communities their humanity, and they will have an honored place in our plans and laws.
-- George W. Bush, Inauguration Address, January 20, 2001

In every instance when my administration sees a responsibility to help people, we will look first to faith-based institutions, to charities and to community groups that have shown their ability to save and change lives.
-- George W. Bush, at a rally in Indianapolis, Indiana, July 22, 1999, quoted from Americans United press release titled, "President Bush And 'Faith-Based' Initiatives: AU Report And Answers to Frequently Asked Questions"

We will keep a commitment to pluralism [and] not discriminate for or against Methodist or Mormons or Muslims or good people with no faith at all.
-- George W. Bush, promising equal opportunity to all religious groups for receiving tax money, at a rally in Indianapolis, Indiana, July 22, 1999, quoted from Americans United press release titled, "President Bush And 'Faith-Based' Initiatives: AU Report And Answers to Frequently Asked Questions"

I don't see how we can allow public dollars to fund programs where spite and hate is the core of the message. Louis Farrakhan preaches hate.
-- George W. Bush, reneging on the above promise, on being asked by a reporter if the Nation of Islam would be eligible for federal money, but failing to distinguish between the "hate" that he says Farrakhan preaches and the hate (against atheists and other non-Christians) that many Christian churches preach, while speaking with reporters on March 1, 2000, as quoted in the Austin American-Statesman, March 2, 2000, p. A-9, quoted from Americans United press release of January 29, 2001, titled, "President Bush And 'Faith-Based' Initiatives: AU Report And Answers to Frequently Asked Questions"

I support voluntary, student-led prayer and am committed to the First Amendment principles of religious freedom, tolerance, and diversity. Whether Mormon, Methodist, or Muslim, students in America should be able to participate in their constitutional free exercise of religion. I believe it is wrong to forcefully expunge any mention of religion, or dilute its impact and importance, when discussing world affairs. Religion is a personal, private matter and parents, not public school officials, should decide their children's religious training. We should not have teacher-led prayers in public schools, and school officials should never favor one religion over another, or favor religion over no religion (or vice versa). I also believe that schools should not restrict students' religious liberties. The free exercise of faith is the fundamental right of every American, and that right doesn't stop at the schoolhouse door.
-- George W. Bush, responding to an October, 2000, Associated Press questionnaire, quoted from AANEWS #831, October 9, 2000, from American Atheists

I believe God did create the world. And I think we're finding out more and more and more as to how it actually happened.
-- George W. Bush, interview, U.S. News, "George W. Bush: Running on his faith," December 6, 1999

After all, religion has been around a lot longer than Darwinism.
-- George W. Bush, quoted from Aaron Latham, "How George W. Found God," George Magazine, September, 2000

In spite of conflicting signals -- and in spite of a popular culture that sometimes puts down their innocence -- most of our kids are good kids. Large numbers do volunteer work. Nearly all believe in God, and most practice their faith. Teen pregnancy and violence are actually going down. Across America, under a program called True Love Waits, nearly a million teens have pledged themselves to abstain from sex until marriage.
-- George W. Bush, during a November, 1999, campaign stop in Gorham, New Hampshire. Bush stated later that under his presidential administration, funding for Christian chastity outreaches will soar from $80 million to $139 million per year, sending public money to Bible fundamentalist groups such as True Love Waits, a Christian chastity advocacy group which conducts "Bible studies, discipling experiences, worship services, ring ceremonies, retreats, DiscipleNow weekends, campus club Bible studies and other experiences to prepare students for a commitment to purity." Quoted in AANEWS #861, December 24, 2000.

We need to have mentoring programs energized by government, paid for by government, but who exist not because of government. Teen Challenge is a way to get people off drugs and alcohol. Teen Challenge is a faith-based program that changes people's hearts.
-- George W. Bush, in a campaign speech, quoted from AANEWS #915 from American Atheists, May 25, 2001. Teen Challenge executive director John Castellani testified before Congress on May 23 that many of the Jews who complete the Teen Challenge program become "completed Jews," a phrase common in fundamentalist circles to refer to Jews who later convert to fundamentalist Christianity -- strongly implying that regular Jews are somehow "incomplete."

Our priorities is our faith.
-- George W. Bush, Greensboro, North Carolina, October. 10, 2000, quoted from Jacob Weinberg, "The Complete Bushisms"

We will allow private and religious groups to compete to provide services in every federal, state and local social program.
-- George W. Bush, to an audience at an Indianapolis church when he announced his proposal for an "Office of Faith-Based Action" as a "clearinghouse for information on effective religious organizations and assisting them in their dealings with the federal government." Quoted from "Jesus in Charge? Whose Election Is it Anyway?" by American Atheists.

Our new faith-based laws have removed government as a roadblock to people of faith who hear the call.
-- George W. Bush, quoted from Aaron Latham, "How George W. Found God," George Magazine, September, 2000

We should -- we will -- welcome people of faith into the political process.... It is essential that believers enter the arena. Your involvement in politics helps determine how well our democracy works. We have finally learned that government programs cannot solve our problems. Government can hand out money, but government cannot put hope in our hearts or a sense of purpose in our lives.
-- George W. Bush, quoted from Aaron Latham, "How George W. Found God," George Magazine, September, 2000

I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for president.
-- George W. Bush, quoted from Aaron Latham, "How George W. Found God," George Magazine, September, 2000

Do I think faith will be an important part of being a good president? Yes, I do.
-- George W. Bush, interview, U.S. News, "George W. Bush: Running on his faith," December 6, 1999

I think you can judge from somebody's actions a kind of a stability and sense of purpose perhaps created by strong religious roots. I mean, there's a certain patience, a certain discipline, I think, that religion helps you achieve.
-- George W. Bush, interview, U.S. News, "George W. Bush: Running on his faith," December 6, 1999

When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the savior, it changes your heart.
-- George W. Bush, in Des Moines, when three of six candidates named Jesus Christ as role models, December, 1999, quoted in "Jesus in Charge? Whose Election Is it Anyway?" by American Atheists

I understand religion is a walk, it's a journey. And I fully recognize that I'm a sinner, just like you.
-- George W. Bush, quoted from Aaron Latham, "How George W. Found God," George Magazine, September, 2000

There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from The New York Times.
-- George W. Bush, to running mate Dick Cheney, who replied, "Oh, yeah, big time," at a campaign rally in Naperville, Illinois: both were unaware that the podium microphone was on, quoted from CNN, "Bush uses expletive to describe Times reporter," September 4, 2000. Karen Hughes, the communications director for the Bush campaign said, "It was meant to be a whispered aside to his running mate. It was not intended to be a public comment." Duh!

I urge all Texans to answer the call to serve those in need. By volunteering their time, energy or resources to helping others, adults and youngsters follow Christ's message of l

1/25/2003

Immediate attention needed : Highly confidential

From: George Walker Bush

Dear sir / madam,

I am George Walker Bush, son of the former president of the united States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as president of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in The republic of Iraq. My partners and i solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the united States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency. In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then Vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the president of the republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources In the neighboring Islamic republic of Iran.

This unsuccessful Venture was soon followed by a falling out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary. My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion u.s. Dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of That cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners.

But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves. My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the president of the republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and Former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her. I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary.

I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April. I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you.

Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter. I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful.

Sincerely with warm regards,

George Walker Bush
 

Been neglecting this page for a while... but not for lack of material

1/24/2003

President Reassures U.S.: "Our Righteous Slaughter Of Iraqi Babies Shall Not Be Thwarted By Fraidy Cat Euro-Faggots!"

For Immediate Release Office of the Press Secretary January 21, 2003 - 4:01 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. This is going to be quick – I want to get back to that freshly-cracked box of Slim-Jims in the war room.

This morning, I looked on in utter disgust as FOX NEWS reported that a majority of Americans have traitorously informed pollsters that not only do they doubt my ability to handle America's foreigner policy with alien nations, but that they also think I'm moving too fast to send legions of the expendable darkies in our military to die gruesomely while exacting my completely non-personal vengeance on Saddam Hussein.

Of course, I knew immediately that something was terribly wrong. Real Americans would never allow themselves to forget that I became twice as intelligent and competent the moment planes started slamming into buildings on 9/11/2001. They would never forget how I was instantly transformed from a non-elected colossal joke into a throbbing pillar of Presidential talent incapable of making mistakes. No, they would never do any of these things... unless some external force was influencing them and turning them against me.

Confident in that knowledge, I was hardly surprised to learn several hours later that both Germany and France have grown increasingly vocal in their cowardly opposition to my oil-fueled megalomaniacal whims of daddy's-boy fancy. Yes, unlike the snaggletoothed limeys who do whatever the hell I say, Germany and France seem intent on attempting to flex whatever passes for muscle on those scrawny, pathetic arms of theirs. Yes, if you can believe it, they actually want me to DELAY giving my approval ratings a fat boost by turning a bunch of worthless Arabiacs into Allah-flavored Pop-Tarts. Hell, everything these people do is like a rerun of one of their goddamned queer art movies, and I'm not interested in watching it - especially not the same week Disney's got Flipper in heavy rotation.

And that's why today, I am here to assure to all citizens of the United States that no matter what, our righteous slaughter of innocent Iraqi women and babies will NOT be thwarted by a gaggle of fraidy cat Euro-faggots from Germany and France. No sir, we will not fear them - and not just because we can't understand that stupid gibberish of theirs they insist on talking instead of regular English. No, we will not fear them because they are pussy has-been countries, that even together couldn't hog-tie a longhorn in half the time I could solo - even with one nut tied behind my ass cheek.

In closing, I hereby command all Americans who both love their country and hate Germany and France to PROVE IT by purchasing and proudly wearing all manner of fine "Europe is for HOMOS" gear from the official WHITEHOUSE.ORG gift boutique. By demonstrating our solidarity thusly, it will make our victory over the smoldering ruins of yet another impoverished desert armpit of a Middle Eastern country that much more glorious! And then we shall revel in our collective magnificence, and vote together overwhelmingly to re-elect yours truly for another four years of gutting the environment, stocking the courts with anti-civil-liberties right-wingers, and lining the pockets of my billionaire cronies!

(Applause.)

Thank you. That is all.

12/10/2002

President Bush Presides Over Ceremonial Lighting Of The Official White House Outdoor Nativity Scene

For Immediate Release Office of the Press Secretary December 8, 2002 - 7:22 P.M.  (EST)  

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening.  Thank you for coming.  Tonight, it is my pleasure to usher in a proud new government tradition - the lighting of the official White House lawn manger.  In doing so, we dispense with the almost hopelessly secularized "Christmas Tree," and restore Jesus Christ Himself to a rightful place of government-endorsed prominence.  Besides, God is my co-pilot, and as such, it simply wouldn't be neighborly of me not to let his boy camp out on my yard for a few weeks.  

Laura and I had hoped to introduce this tradition last year during our first Christmas in the White House.  Sadly, we were unable to do so due to security concerns.  But Americans should know that in the months that passed, their First Lady was tireless in her scouring of Wal-Marts and Home Depots all across Western Texas to find a durable life-sized molded polyvinyl manger scene which passed Secret Service muster.  This is that masterpiece, and with security so tight this year at the White House, I can guaran-damn-tee you that these frozen plastic Wise Men are as close as any towel-head is going to get to Laura's famous Canadian Club eggnog.  

(Applause.)  

With the lighting of the National Manger Scene, we observe one of the great traditions of the Republican Party - liberating Americans from the shackles of the Constitution - and throughout the Christmas season, we shall recall that Jesus' love can radiate even from a hollow, Chinese-made, machine-painted lawn statuette - unless of course you're an Allah-lover, Moses-hugger, Buddha-slave, or any other inherently false religion that guarantees you a seat in the devil's eternal Jacuzzi of molten rock and abortion doctor blood.  

Many of you were deeply touched to hear me recite a portion of Psalm 23 in my address to this great nation in the dark hours following the terrorist attacks.  You were encouraged and comforted to know that we truly have a believer working for us in our nation's highest office. And while I can't restore prayer in school without appointing another Clarence Thomas or two, I figured this manger scene here would be a good place to start.  

This season, our entire nation is thinking of the men and women in the military, many of whom will spend this Christmas at posts far from home.  They stand between Americans and a media mosh pit of "grave danger."  They serve in the cause of maintaining Presidential approval ratings and avenging my personal vendetta against Saddam Hussein. They wear the uniform proudly, and though I myself evaded wartime service and was AWOL for months at a time, I nevertheless take pride in setting aside my own hypocrisy to send America's sons and daughters to die to preserve the bank accounts of my most important constituents: the bonesmen.

Laura and I wish every American family a very merry Jesus' Birthday. And now we have the honor of lighting the National Manger Scene.  And joining us we've got two new friends, Reverend Pat Robertson and Mr. Robert Novak, to help us throw the switch.

Now, if everybody -- you all step up here -- (laughter) -- get ready -- please join us in the countdown: Ten, nine, eight...

I am getting the most jolly day jar view right now.  I tell you, what a warm felling.  I recall all those countless times as Governor of the Great State of Texas I ordered the switch to be thrown on death-row criminals after I had gotten my cocktail party imitation of their whimpering pleas for clemency down.

 Seven, six, five, four...

 Of course, this switch will use electricity to light up these colored people, too.  But, regrettably, tonight is not about killing sand people.  We've got all next year - and leading up to the election -- to do that.

Three, two, ONE!

(Applause.)

 ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

11/19/2002

Formal Statement by President Bush welcoming House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to the Capitol Hill Boys Club

For Immediate Release Office of the Press Secretary November 17, 2002 - 2:18 P.M. (MST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. It is with borderline contempt and great apathy that I interrupt my important Presidential duties to congratulate Nancy Pelosi, Congresswoman of that left coast, dope-smoking, homo Rice-a-Roni nirvana San Fransissyco, for becoming the first Botox-addled broad to lead a political party further into the depths of self-inflicted oblivion.

Welcome to the Capitol Hill Boys Club, Nance. Now sure, I know you've been around Washington awhile already, but this is when it starts getting real. I suggest you stuff those Victoria's Secret granny panties of yours with some vegan falafel balls, because you're gonna need a pair, toots. I'm not being a female hater here, not by any stretch. I think babes are an important part of dinner, sewing pants, and squirting out Jesus-loving tykes who look more like their daddy.

Nance, I want you to know that I'm a realist - like any good Republican - and the truth of the matter is this: the fruit cocktails in the Democratic party think the future is one huge, granola-crunching Hands Across Amerca-style orgy where society makes sure everyone gets a fair shake. But the realitism for non-Republicans is more truthworthy: the future is gonna suck like a greedy Castro District Drag Queen who sold its food stamps for crack rock.

Like most white men in power, I'm a Baby Boomer. I was born into a world where folks knew their place, where spoiled coloreds were afraid to bitch and moan, and Oxford-educated Jewish intern bangers weren't trying to turn the US of A into a one big sloppy group hug. Later, while you and your "types" were burning bras full of embryos and giving BJ's to the Vietcong, I was fighting a WAR in SOUTHEAST ASIA by occasionally flying an obsolete jet high above TEXAS! And while you were huffing gravity bongs of Thai stick, I was guzzling all-American beers - just like John Wayne.

But now - the world I was born into is coming back! Things are getting back to normal, and by normal I mean the opulently well-to-do blue bloods are back in charge - footloose and fancy free. The future is now, and we're keeping it that way. Catch my drift, Joni Mitchell?

You see, the world is full of angry, non-benevolent Mexicans and Muslim-like Comanche - and either you're outside The Alamo, or you're inside. And I'm sorry to say that right now lady - you, your party, the entirety of Hollywood (except The Terminator), all of Europe, and every single treasonous, non-Republican voting "citizen" are outside the fortress.

Want in? I thought you might.

Then you've got to agree with some of the important tenants of the Grand Old Party. For instance, we're the party of small, more effective government… less SEC, FDA, and all those other boring-ass bureaucrat wet dreams that keep executives from preying upon the retirement funds of their employees. Don't get me started on Federal Unions either - but let's just say the future Phillip Morris Presents Smith & Wesson's Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms will take care of those communist gang-bangs.

And don't be all "ironical" about the creation of Constitutionally suspect and intrusive Federal agencies that will eviscerate the privacy of all Americans not currently in my Rolodex. This is an example of GOOD big government. Got it?

We also value the rights of the individual over the rights of the State… unless you're brown skinned (deep, Miami queer tans count), a dissenting, ungrateful loudmouth, or aren't wastefully abusing your credit card purchasing soothing baubles manufactured by our glorious Corporate Fathers.

Next, if the so-called lower class can't get off their duffs to get some thankless service job that will hardly cover rent and cup-o-noodles, then they had better find Christ. Because if you love Jesus - be you Jew, Dot Head, Chinky Fat Boy Lover, or whatever - you'll get a bowl of hot ketchup soup and a tough love lecture by a pious oldster who secretly thinks you're a deep-cover terrorist parasite. According to our numbers, there's a 85% chance of that, you know that smarty-hose?

And lastly, Republicans believe that America should always be strong. Not weak. You Democrats want America to be weak. It's just that simple. GOP = USA STRONG! Donkey Faces = America With a Ravaged & Bleeding Pooper!

It's too bad you're not more like your daughter Alexandra, sweetcheeks. That dreamy little media heifer and her HBO love letter "Journeys With George" is gonna win me the Presidentery in 2004 AND 2008. I wonder if she knows you almost probably thought about sacrificing her with a coat hanger to appease your pagan god Baallah in a Studio 54 unisex bathroom - the very same snake-pit of hedonism that invented AIDS.

So watch your back, Nance. Tom DeLay and the entire Department of Homeland Security will. And that's a good thing. I trust you'll work on cultivating the one positive quality of your predecessor "Ladybrows" Gephardt - the uncanny ability to turn into a little yes-man pile of ectoplasm whenever non-eunuchs enter the room.

Now if you'll excuse me Nance, I gotta get back to a FoxNews editorial meeting - seems a couple of totally wasted Paki taxi-drivers in Cincinatti have made the mistake of making fun of General Tom Ridge. Them Moozlums are gonna do wonders for my Paranoia Index.

11/9/2002

Remarks by the President

Acknowledging Commencement Of "Ramadan," President Bush Delivers Remarks To Attendees Of The 2002 White House Iftaar Dinner
 

For Immediate Release Office of the Press Secretary November 8, 2001 - 9:50 A.M. EST

The State Dining Room

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, and welcome to the White House or, as you folks from Morocco call it, "Casablanca." Tonight, it is my pleasure to pretend to respect your false religion, and to partake in this feast celebrating the month of Ramadan. You know until recently, I thought "Ramadan" was someone who stayed at a hotel.

I've learned a lot about the this tradition since you people attacked America. You know we also have a holy month in the United States. It begins the day after Thanksgiving and runs all the way to Christmas Eve, when the stores close for a few hours to allow everyone to regroup before the onslaught of returns.

Looking out at these tables heavy with food, I am amazed at the differences in our cultures. Who would have ever thought anyone would actually eat sheep's eyes. And I bet you never thought you'd eat them done in country-fried gravy with salsa.

Truly this is a wonderful world we live in.

America needs our Muslim friends. As former oil company executives, Vice President Cheney and I know that only too well. And my father, the other President Bush, knows that too. One of his business partners is a prominent Muslim, a Saudi, who is a member of the bin Laden family. But he's one of the good ones--he's not trying to kill us. At least not last time I checked. (LAUGHTER)

Islam is a pretend religion of peace, regardless of what that Koran book or Reverend Billy Graham's son says. Don't listen to him. Your little quasi-faith is a fundamental part of the governments in countries throughout Asia and the Middle East, and those nations are stronger and incumbents don't lose as a result. Here in America, my advisors are working feverishly to integrate our very own version of fundamentalist religion into every facet of the government. Why, my Department of Faith is already busy flooding religious groups with taxpayer money. With the help of good Christian leaders like the Reverends Moon and Falwell, we're getting closer to mirroring your great system.

Even as I say these words, America is sharing our bounty with the people of Afghanistan. Humanitarian aid and some of the dollar bills America's children sent to me that didn't have rude words on them are being air dropped to the Afghan children. For every $35,000 bomb dropped our aim is to follow it with a couple of bags of rice and cheerful message from the American people. And my administration is committed to reviving and reconstructing that country. Americans are good people. There is almost no chance that we will abandon the Afghan people like we did the last time once the war on terrorism is over. Already, plans for a national employment opportunity for Afghanistan are underway; the people of that nation can escape grinding poverty by helping us build an enormous oil-carrying pipeline to the Caspian Sea.

Thank you for joining me on this blessed first day of Ramadan. Allah bless you, and Allah bless America. And death to the infidels!

Now, please cooperate with the FBI agents that Attorney General Ashcroft has ordered into the room, and you won't get hurt. (Laughter.)

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©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

10/28/2002

Statement by the Presidents

Joint Statement By Presidents Bush And Heston Declaring America Safe Again For Recreational Assault Rifle Strafing

For Immediate Release Office of the Press Secretary October 27, 2002 - 12:13 P.M. (EST)

THE USA PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As you know, late last week saw the apprehension and arrest of two colored muslamoids who had been gunning down innocent Christians all around Washington DC. As a result, plenty of ignorant liberals have been bellyaching some garbage about how guns can hurt people. Even worse, suddenly it's taboo to be brandishing your heavy artillery at the local playground. Well today, now that 100 hours have now passed since the successful deactivation of this mobile Al Qaeda cell, I am pleased to assure Americans that it is now kosher to bust out your personal hand cannons and squeeze off a swarm of lead-tipped skeeters in whatever direction your rage-fueled heart desires.

THE NRA PRESIDENT: Amen! Lock and load, brothers!

THE USA PRESIDENT: My administration has been a tireless defender of the Second Amendment to the Constitution, which states quite unambiguously that the founding fathers clearly predicted a future in which the definition of "arms" would stretch well beyond five-foot-long black powder muskets capable of firing one round every three minutes, and most definitely include easily concealable, fully-automatic mini-howitzers that can lay waste to a whole arena full of worthless peacenik flower people in seconds flat.

THE NRA PRESIDENT: Take my weapon? When you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

THE USA PRESIDENT: Furthermore, my administration - along with the National Rifle Association - is on record as firmly believing that the Second Amendment is far more important than any silly little freedoms of so-called "speech" or "fair trials."

THE NRA PRESIDENT: What's this button for?

THE USA PRESIDENT: That's the safety, Mr. Heston. Now as I was saying, we maintain that all Americans must have unfettered access to weapons of micro and medium destruction - whether they be man or boy, college graduate or special ed dropout, lucid hatemonger or bloodthirsty Alzheimer's mongoloid.

THE NRA PRESIDENT: Who the hell are you?

THE USA PRESIDENT: I'm President Bush, Mr. Heston. The one you got elected. Now as I was saying, this White House is absolutely confident that by doing everything we can to positively saturate our country with as many firearms as possible, that it's logical to assume that everyone will be safer. I mean, you give a machine gun to a toddler girl, and hell if any identically armed team of negro Islamiac snipers is gonna be able to harm her, right?

THE NRA PRESIDENT: What are you doing in my house?

THE USA PRESIDENT: This isn't your house, Mr. Heston. This is the White House.

THE NRA PRESIDENT: So you think you can just waltz in to my living room, take my gun, then anally probe me with the barrel?!

THE USA PRESIDENT: No sir! I was just saying how it's your right to be bristling with firepower - whatever your mental condition.

THE NRA PRESIDENT: You jack-booted federal thug! You're no better than your sissy skirt-wearing daddy! You know when he quit the NRA back in 1994, nothing made me happier than taking his membership card - and wiping my ass with it! Why don't you come over here and let Uncle Moses show you how a real American proves he loves his country!

(Shots Fired)

THE USA PRESIDENT: Security!

THE NRA PRESIDENT: How do you like that?! And let that be a lesson to any other crystal chandeliers around here who were planning on whispering insults about my mother!

(Secret Service Scuffling - Duct Tape Gag and Straightjacket Applied)

THE USA PRESIDENT: Ahem. And so in closing, let me reiterate once again that not only is recreational sniping back in fashion, but that any and all Americans should promptly arm themselves to the teeth. Not only for their own personal safety, but for the safety of the American public at large.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

10/27/2002

Press Briefing by the President

President Bush Clarifies His Administration's Position On Ballistic Fingerprinting Of High-Powered Sniper Rifles

For Immediate Release Office of the Press Secretary October 16, 2002 - 10:14 A.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As you bottom-feeding press wonks know, there's a possibly Mohammoid-worshipping sniper shooting up all-American strip malls and gas stations in the suburbs of this bureaucrat's wet-dream of a non-city. I know you know this, because it's pre-empting 24/7 coverage of my upcoming beatdown of Saddam – who as you know won 100% of the vote in the Iraqistan elections held yesterday. How such an evil, evil man could know so much about democracy, I'll never know.

Now a few days ago, I was mistakenly quoted as being for the ballistic fingerprinting of guns. Well let me tell you pansies something: nothing could be more truthless than that. As my little lox-lover Ari Fleischberg pointed out yesterday, new laws don't do diddly-squat when it comes to terrorists. Isn't flying airplanes into buildings against the law? Did that stop those camel-dung-huffing, Iraqi-wannabe Arabs? Hell, no! Do "laws" and the pencil pushers who write them fill tax coffers dedicated to missile defense research? Hell, no! Do big notebooks of paper that can only be read by fancy Ivy League lawyers contribute money to the GOP? Hell, no!

I'm using simple logic here, folks. We are not a nation built on laws, we're a nation built on values. And if you're raised a proper Christian – and heck, even if you're raised a cannibalistic Catholic – you know that picking just anyone off with a .233 caliber bullet from a high-powered sniper rifle at 100 yards is not what God wants. He wants specific people.

Now if this sniper had real values – and wasn't some old-person-hating, pro-crime anti-Cuban fatso like Bill McBride – then he wouldn't hide in a van. He'd do his shooting in broad daylight and plain view - just like the big-balled, blue-eyed frontiersman who didn't take crap from no feather darkie savages. And I'll tell you something else, if he was trying to spread the word of the Koran in Crawford – we'll let's just say every non-river jumper in town would draw his legally concealed hand cannon and turn that registered Democrat into a crimson slab of swiss cheese.

I know some of you think that if you're not some mad dog killer, then you should have nothing against ballistic fingerprinting of guns. But unlike you peeping tom fascists, I value weaponical privacy – except if you're a terrorist, or a suspected terrorist, or if you look like Casey Kasem or read the New York Times or watch The West Wing or vote pro-baby-killer.

No, this is not the time to paint gun manufacturers as bad guys. For just like the salt-of-the-earth farmers who make up Big Tobacco, the noble firearm industry is doing everything it can to help my administration end the Clinton Great Depression by producing and selling wholesome goods the American people need: unfiltered smokes and fully-automatic assault rifles. I say God Bless Them!

Yes, these are American Values. In short: if you're with me – you have values. If you're against me – you're with that Arab sniper. Because fingerprinting guns robs people with decent, Republican family values of their God-given right to discreetly harbor vast arsenals, to fondle their weapons while naked and slathered in fluoropolymer revolver lubricant, and to drink themselves into a homicidal depression that can only be salved by taking out a dozen or two box store shoppers. What kind of country would we be if we forced rednecks and impotent, corporate middle managers to willfully give up these rights? I'll tell you what kind: a nation of unarmed faggots - just like England.

Thank you, and God Bless America. ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

10/18/2002

Bush On Economy: 'Saddam Must Be Overthrown'

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid growing concerns about the faltering stock market and deepening recession, President Bush vowed to tackle the nation's economic woes head-on Tuesday, assuring the American people that he "will not rest" until Saddam Hussein is removed from power.

"Our nation's economy is struggling right now," said Bush, delivering the keynote address at the National Economic Forum. "Our manufacturing base is weak, new home sales are down, and unemployment is up. Millions of our people are suffering. That is why I stand before you tonight and make this promise: Saddam Hussein will be stopped."

With the Dow regularly suffering triple-digit plunges and the Nasdaq hitting a six-year low of 1184.94 late last month, Bush used the speech as an opportunity to outline his plan for getting the economy back on track.

"We can no longer turn a blind eye to our tumbling stock market and the disintegration of the retirement package of the American worker," Bush said. "That is why I have developed a 14-point plan for reviving America's economy. The first step is taking the biological and chemical weapons out of the hands of this madman. These sorts of weapons have no place in a peaceful world."

Turning to the problem of unemployment, Bush discussed his strategy for creating new jobs and stimulating growth in the tech sector.

"We're working hard to put Americans back to work," Bush said. "Our citizens are fighters, they just need the opportunity. And it is in this spirit that we are committed to defeating Saddam Hussein, so that the world may stand together in liberty and freedom."

Bush then addressed the issue of corporate malfeasance, promising sweeping reforms and a major crackdown on white-collar criminals.

"Corrupt CEOs must be treated like any other criminal," Bush said. "The damage they do to this country, eroding investors' faith in our stock market and corporate institutions, is extremely serious. I would like to deliver a clear message to those who would bilk hardworking Americans out of their hard-earned 401K plans while greedily lining their own pockets: We cannot, and will not, sit idly by while this threat continues to mount in the Middle East. Iraq has stood in violation of U.N. resolutions since 1991 by refusing to allow weapons inspectors into the palace compound, where we suspect there are laboratories for creating weapons of mass destruction. We must remove the dictator Saddam Hussein and install a government that is committed to working toward free and democratic elections for the nation of Iraq."

Added Bush: "This man tried to kill my dad."

After the president's speech, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer issued a brief statement.

"As you have just heard, the president and this administration are fully committed to turning the economy around," Fleischer said. "We know how important it is for everyone to feel confident that their investment dollars are safe and that they will be able to build a better future for themselves and their children. We also know that what we really need to do at this time is to oust Saddam Hussein. Let's roll."

___ ___ ___ ___ ___ © Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.
10/10/2002

Globally Televised Appearance by the Press Secretary

A Formal Statement Of Congratulations To James Earl Carter On The Occasion Of His Canonization By Liberal Norwegian Hippies

For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - October 11, 2002 - 10:04 A.M. (EST)

MR. FLEISCHER: Good morning. Today, though the President is busy planning details for World War III, he has asked me to deliver a few words of congratulations to former President James Earl "Jimmy" Carter, the 2002 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. His remarks are as follows:

Dear Jimmy,

On behalf of the American people, Mrs. Bush and I offer their tepid congratulations to you, on this the occasion of your having been declared even remotely relevant by a pack of liberal, America-hating, sissy, Volvo- building Norwegiacs.

Since your humiliating 1980 landslide defeat to my father and his geriatric Vitalis mannequin sidekick, America has looked on with a mixture of bemused curiosity and profound irritation as you have selfishly grabbed headlines by building slums for wetbacks and smoking serious commie pole. Not surprisingly, the frostbitten Scandinavayoids have interpreted all this positively, choosing to overlook Gerald Ford's impressive accomplishments in the world of golf, Ronald Reagan's gritty and determined crusade to keep down tapioca pudding, and George Herbert Walker Bush's Herculean ability to both collect six-figure speaking fees and rule America by proxy.

Since September 11, cognizant Americans have demonstrated a renewed appreciation for the fact that both yours and Bill Clinton's little Jewboy/Arabiac lovefests at Camp David haven't made a damned bit of difference, and that in fact, both your entire lives serve as a testimony to the worthlessness of pacifism.

And so today, we express our feigned respect for you through clenched warrior's teeth, and communicate our sincere desire for your continued (and hopefully increased) travel to war-torn and highly dangerous corners of the world.

Sincerely, George W. Bush
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ ©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Democrats Protest Iraq War, Remove Spines, Vote for it Anyway

WASHINGTON, D.C.- The House of Representatives on Thursday voted overwhelmingly in favor of a resolution authorizing the President to go to war with Iraq. More significantly, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle capitulated on Thursday, agreeing to get on board the Bush plan and to be his bitch.

Considering his ferocious podium battery incident of a few weeks ago, Daschle's sea change left many Democrats scratching their heads. In fact, there may be a simple explanation. For reasons described only as "purely medical," The Senator underwent a spinectomy over the weekend, removing all vertebrae below the next and rendering him unable to stand, walk, or effectively fight the hawkish juggernaut sweeping through both houses of Congress.

Aides say that the Senator opted for Phylum Non-Chordata status for tax purposes, but several sources on Capitol Hill indicate otherwise. His backbone, they say, seemed to gradually dissolve as the November election drew nearer.

Daschle struggled to explain himself on the afternoon and evening news/talk shows. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked the Senator if the rest of the caucus was jumping off a bridge would he do it as well. Daschle refused to answer until Blitzer told him whether or not voters would watching.

"When it became clear that I was the only Congressional leader opposed to the measure, I figured I must be mistaken somehow,” rationalized Daschle. “Maybe the war isn't such a bad idea after all. If I've learned anything in my years as a Senator, it is this: Four hundred and fifty rich white guys and the lobbyists who court them can't all be wrong."

Several party faithful stepped forward to congratulate their colleague for having the strength to submit so completely, leaving the opposition without leadership.

"Tom Daschle is just the kind of courageous leader this country needs right now, a man of unwavering principles," said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe. "It's also important for these people to have the flexibility to completely reverse these principles if the situation warrants."

"I believe it is important for America to speak with one voice," Daschle later explained. "And if that voice is incoherent, self-contradictory, and generally wrong-headed, so be it." The Montana Senator then slithered off to his office where he reportedly wept for most of the afternoon.

Other liberals were not so kind to their Senate Majority Leader. "In Tom Daschle, the nascent anti-war movement got its first hero as well as its first traitor," said Ronald Morangue, peace activist and Montana resident. "No matter how much I bitch about it, I'll probably still vote for him. God, I make myself sick."

Even Bush is disappointed in the swift collapse of Daschle's opposition as the November Congressional elections draw nearer. "What a pussy," laughed the President. "He surrendered faster than a platoon of Iraqis."

Daschle’s spokesperson issued a statement on Thursday clarifying the Senator’s unflinching position on Iraq. “Senator Daschle did not knuckle under. He did not sell out. He did not, as one report describes, run to his mother, tears streaming down his face and urine down his leg. The Senator has found peace with the issue.”

Daschle still maintains that the President unfairly politicized the war question and that his change of heart on the issue does nothing to change that. "Bush politicized the war by trying to use it to save his job and those of his party. I voted for the measure to save my job, that's completely different."

Aides say that the Senator may opt to have a replacement spine installed after the first of the year [the beginning of the 2004 campaign season] so that he can more effectively condemn the war he helped to authorize.

"More importantly," Daschle added, "If it all goes to hell, no one in their right mind would blame me for it."

__ --by Mark Arenz © 2002 ridiculopathy.com --__

BUSH WINS NOBEL WAR PRIZE

Saddam Miffed at Oslo Snub

The Norwegian Nobel Committee honored President George W. Bush today by bestowing upon him the first-ever Nobel War Prize.

In Oslo, Nobel Committee chairman Gunnar Berge said that Mr. Bush was chosen for the award because “above all, in his words and deeds, President Bush has stood for the resolution of conflicts between nations and peoples through the use of massive and overwhelming force.”

At the White House, President Bush said that he was surprised to have received the Nobel War Prize and that he was “deeply honored and touched.”

He added that it would have been impossible to win the award without the help of Senator Majority Leader Tom Daschle, whom the President thanked for “his tireless efforts to do absolutely nothing to hinder me.”

But even as the Oslo committee announced the first-ever prize, there was a firestorm of controversy in international circles, with some critics charging that President Bush was insufficiently bellicose to win the Nobel War Prize.

In particular, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein expressed the view that he and not the President should have walked off with the coveted Norwegian accolade.

“I’ve been busting my hump to win the Nobel War Prize for the better part of twenty years, and he just scoops it up at the last minute?” a visibly miffed Saddam said to reporters in Baghdad. “Excuse me, but the whole thing reeks of politics.”

For his part, President Bush brushed off Saddam’s comments as “sour grapes,” and said he would use the $1 million dollar award to break ground on the Bush Center for Preemptive Armed Conflict in Houston, Texas.

Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan

UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his "U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.

"As a shining beacon of freedom and democracy, America has inspired the world," said Bush in his 25-minute address. "With its military might, it has kept the peace and bravely defended the unalienable [sic] rights of millions around the globe. In this spirit, I call upon the world's nations to support my proposal to give America unrestricted carte blanche to remove whatever leaders, plunder whatever resources, and impose whatever policies it deems necessary or expedient."

According to top Bush Administration officials, if the measure is passed by the U.N.—and possibly if it is not—the U.S. would immediately launch invasions of Iraq, North Korea, and Cuba; establish oil-drilling operations in Siberia; install nuclear-missile silos in Mongolia along the Chinese border; make English the official language of the planet; detain thousands of Middle Eastern nationals currently in the U.S. on temporary visas; begin each day with a moment of worldwide prayer; and prohibit Japan and Germany from manufacturing automobiles.

In addition, no demonstration against U.S. actions by any foreign nation or individual would be permitted. Any such protestation would be deemed a high crime subject to a U.N. tribunal, with those found guilty flown to Texas for execution by lethal injection.

"After the unspeakable events of last Sept. 11, the U.S. was deeply touched by the outpouring of support and condolences from our neighbors and allies the world over," Bush said. "This kindness played a vital role in our national healing process, but, more importantly, it cemented our long-standing self-image as the country, with all other nations lumped together into a vague, foreign Other Place. I call upon you now to join us in our vision of America as the only country whose wishes matter."

Bush then turned to the pressing issue of Iraq.

"Despite repeated American efforts to change the situation, Saddam Hussein defiantly continues his longtime policy of being the president of Iraq," Bush said. "The time has come for this man to step down, because we want him to."

In addition to enabling the U.S. to address foreign crises, Bush said his plan will help solve many of the nation's domestic problems.

"While there exist many grave threats to America abroad, we suffer still more problems—from unemployment to a lack of quality, affordable housing—right here at home," Bush said. "After this resolution is passed, we will begin a 10-year project to clean out our nation's landfills and toxic-waste sites, transport the materials to Central American jungles, and build low-cost housing on the newly cleared land. This would solve the housing shortage, create thousands of construction jobs, and improve our nation's environment, all in one fell swoop."

As much of a boon as it would be to America, Bush stressed that his plan will also benefit the rest of the world, giving foreigners greater access than ever to American goods and entertainment.

"From the Beijing businessman who treats his family to dinner at KFC to the New Delhi textile worker who unwinds after a hard day's work by watching Friends, the world community has embraced our many wonderful cultural and commercial exports," Bush said. "As part of my plan, the U.S. will be allowed to export its products tariff-free, while other countries' goods will be subject to heavy taxes. This will help ensure that people the world over will continue to enjoy our computers, DVDs, and soft drinks, free of the clutter of competing non-American goods on their store shelves."

Bush concluded his speech by calling upon the U.N. to fly an extra-large U.S. flag outside its headquarters, high above the other member nations' flags.

"From the Monroe Doctrine to our ignoring of the Kyoto Treaty, America has always boldly defied the powers that be. Ever since its founding, this great nation has courageously asserted its will, bravely tuning out the objections of the other nations of the world," Bush said at the speech's conclusion. "I urge you today, do not let that legacy die. Allow us to continue our long-standing tradition of getting our way."

Global reaction to Bush's plan has been mixed, with 56 percent of Americans in support and 100 percent of non-Americans strongly opposed.

 ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ © Copyright 2002, Onion, Inc ___ ___ ___ ___
 

Bush Favors "Tough Love" Policy for Nation's Wealthy

CRAWFORD, TX (Rhoiders) - Concerned that news about possible war with Iraq has been pushing economic issues off the front page, President George Bush this week reiterated his dedication to corporate reform and individual responsibility.

After diligently studying every iota of information gathered at his President's Economic Forum this summer, the White House Strictness But Fairness Policy Doctrine, nicknamed "Tough Love," has been formulated.

The President, an eloquent motivational speaker with a masterful understanding of economic science, has been busy delivering his message to wealthy audiences throughout the country. Some were extremely wealthy, some were just slightly wealthy. But he has gone to great lengths not to differentiate.

This unique Tough Love approach is based on personal experience. Bush recalled, "When I was little, my daddy caught me smoking cigarettes out in the middle of a pasture. He drug me through cow plop all the way back to the house and made me smoke a carton of Luckies. He gave me just what I wanted, and then some."

"We applied this same principle to executive accountability," the President explained. "If they want a solid gold urinal, let's give 'em two or three. If they want a hunerd million dollar bonus after bankrupting their employees, let's give 'em two hunerd million."

After enrolling in a Federal twelve-step program, increased tax breaks would be granted to high-income individuals and larger tax credits given to corporations. Bush detailed the twelve steps, all of which involve donations to GOP candidates in exchange for tailor-made legislation and other special favors.

The President cautioned, "Some would have you believe I've spent 42% of my term on vacation. What they don't bother to mention is that the other 86% I'm out there in what I like to call 'This Great Country of Ours.' I'm shakin' hands on exclusive golf courses and at $50,000-a-plate dinners, talkin' with people and makin' promises. No matter how you add it up, that's 100%."

Bush added, "People need to know we're taking care of business, what I like to call 'TCB'. Fool you once, that's a walk in the shade. But fool a lotta people all the time, that's an Administration."

 Margaret asked "What have the Democrats done wrong? "

Not sure, I really haven't a clue. I think they screwed up by believing the polls, they needed to focus on getting Democrats out to vote not on responding to the attacks of their opponents. When the Republicans have the edge it is stupid to bring the campaign down to their level. They can't compete against facts and calm persistence. They are geared to attack not defend. Democrats needed to talk about the economy, our diminished stature in world politics, threats to our freedoms and blame Republicans in general and Bush in particular (Not their specific opponents) for everything that is legitimately their fault. I have always felt that it was stupid for Democrats to try to convert Republicans it won't work, and every ounce of energy they expend to that end is wasted.... In other words they had to "preach to the choir" and then convince the choir to vote.

Bush seems to have turned the trick... he put the country on hold and barnstormed for "The GOP" it worked, but it certainly shows you where his priorities are. Big Business Rules... there have been no significant changes to the regulatory system since ENRON and no one seems to notice... Bush's slight of hand has focused attention on Iran. Hope I'm wrong...