June 99

6/1/99 Tuesday

... Christy left early to go to advocate for a Foster Mom at an IEP, I took the kids to school. On the way down Tim reminded me it was Tuesday and not Monday and we had to visit the Russian... Well, normally that wouldn't present a big problem but ...

Christy was at the IEP till ??? ,

Autumn was with me and had to be on the bus at 11:00,

Tim had to be at the Russians office by 10:00 for a 45-minute session... in Saugus... 28 miles away,

Cheryl a Foster Parent friend of ours was dropping off two babies at 10:30 for us to baby-sit while she took another kid to a "Parent Visit".

I decided the appointment with the Russian took priority, Christy should be home in time to sit for the babies, and... if she wasn't, Cheryl would just have to take them along on the visit. After I dropped Tim/Mike off I would take Autumn to school, she would only be a few minutes late. I asked Christy to call Acton School transportation and tell them I was taking Autumn to school. I am not at my best under pressure as a rule but today worked out ok.

The temperature has dropped to about 40 degrees and it's raining, not exactly normal weather for June in the Mojave Desert... we have been experiencing a series of earthquakes within a hundred mile radius, none close by but it is a little nervous making... There is nowhere on earth where there isn't some sort of natural phenomenon to be leery of. Blizzards in the north, hurricanes in the east, tornado's in the Midwest, and floods in the spring. Add volcanoes in the northwest and I will stick with earthquakes. With my temperament I would rather say "What the hell was that" than sit like a deer in headlights watching the weatherman tell me about some impending catastrophe on the horizon.

I took the Digital camera apart and made sure it was dry, I put it back together with new batteries, turned it on, and ... it worked fine... I am amazed and relieved...

6/2/99 Wednesday

...Meadowlark School called to have us pick up Monica because she had just thrown up. Christy picked her up and asked what happened. Mokie said "I just had lunch and I burped until I pooked" Chris said "So you aren't sick?" Moke said No, I'm not sick, I'm hungry, can we go to McDonalds?"

Errands today, finally found a 30 Amp extension cord on my third stop, I found a 60ft air hose for my compressor that was on sale for $19.95 according to the sign on the bin, unfortunately the one that was really 100ft long and cost $29.49 ... long story, not worth telling, Harbor Freight, good prices, good tools, lousy attitude. Next I went to Washington Mutual Bank to close Christy's Watkins account. I started getting an 'attitude' when I couldn't get in the damn place. The entry had an air-lock like arrangement for security, there were guards inside and out, when you open the outside door it has to close before the inside door will open, a green light goes on after about 15 seconds, then you can open the door. Lord knows what else is going on. When I got in I noticed that there were about a dozen people in line, and the line was barely moving.

Washington Mutual and Great Western merged recently there were several people in blue polo shirts standing behind the tellers, it became obvious after a few minutes that the tellers were trying to learn how to use new computers. I waited about 35 minutes or so and finally got to the teller. I told her what I wanted to do and she punched in the account number and made me answer a bunch of questions then she said I had to give her $98.34 to close the account, I started to write her a check. She stopped me and said I needed give her cash, if I wrote a check I would have to wait till it clears and come back in 3 days to sign the form. She said I could go out to the ATM and get cash. I pouted and made a disgusted sort of shrug then I went outside and there was another long line and one ATM. I got the money got back in line and finally got the job done.... an hour and a half wasted. I managed to find all the rest of the things I needed at WalMart, and sped back home to get the Van so I could pick up kids, I made it to pick up Calie with minutes to spare.

6/3/99 Thursday

... Autumn's therapy session, Christy took her today I will take her tomorrow. The kids got ready with about an hour to spare, amazing... I got everyone to school and spent the majority of the morning loading up the trash bin with rubbish from various places around the property.

When Christy got home we put Autumn on the bus and then she and I went to The Pines Cafe for a late breakfast, Larry was cooking so the meal was excellent. We went looking for windshield wipers for the MotorMonster... no luck but I got a few leads...

Chris and I went to get the kids and it's a good thing she was along because Christian and Cindy had a brawl fighting over a seat... it was awful. We got Calie to dance lessons and by the time we got home things seemed reasonably calm... then "B" went bananas. He was just out of his mind with anger, he was mad at everybody, Christy tried to calm him down and waved me away when I tried to help. She got kicked, head-butted in the larynx and stabbed (Sort of) with a fork for her trouble. I finally interceded and took him for a walk... a long walk... he hates walks...

David Daggett called, I had found his name and about 50 others on the Internet. I sent him an e-mail a few days back, he is one of only three that wrote back. He lives in Culver City and works in Palmdale. I will meet him for a late lunch at Don Cuco's tomorrow. The

6/4/99 Friday

...My turn to take Autumn in to therapy... it is a major hassle to drive to the other side of LA in the morning but the pay off is worth it. Autumn really shines… when you realize what she has to overcome to do what she is doing for these people... well... I don't cry but I could, I do smile a lot though. She is a pretty incredible kid. I am so proud of her I can hardly contain myself…

Sue called, Mom is very weak... I will make another trip east to Scottsdale tonight.

As I stated before, I had made a "date' to meet with David Daggett from Culver City. We were to meet at Don Cuco's. What a nice fella… We chatted for about an hour and he loaned me the two Daggett/Doggett Genealogy books. They are incredibly comprehensive. My name is on page 502… it is kind of neat, and a little eerie.

I left the house at about 1830 and pulled in to Sue's house about 0115. I held up OK and the trip was uneventful but when I pulled in to Sue's driveway I was done for it… I stayed up and talked to her for a while but my brain was asleep I think

6/5/99 Saturday

... Sue and I went to Christine's house and then to visit Mom… we had a short visit and went back up to Sue's for a short while, then back to visit Mom who was still tired, we had dinner, paid Mom a final visit and went back home…Mom is aware of us when we are there but I suspect that our visits are more like dreams than anything else… tomorrow more of the same.

6/6/99 Sunday

... Sue and I went down to see Mom about 1030, it seems that every day she is weaker than the day before. There is an ocean of feeling coursing through my mind. I am having many contradictory thoughts and emotions about her condition. On one hand I wish she would just pass quickly into her next existence and be done with the wasting away. On the other.......

Sue and I seem to contrive missions that need to be taken care of on the way down, anything to delay the inevitable confrontation with the reality of Mom's impending death. When we get there we look for excuses to leave...

We have been having a pretty good time together, we have had impassioned conversations about politics and current events. We have laughed a lot and had long, serious discussions trying to come to grips with the helplessness we feel.

Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes.

Journal for the week of

6/7/99 - 6/13/99

6/7/99 Memorial Day

...Went down to see Mom at about 1000, she was about to get her shower. Sue and I went out and got a soda and talked, when we got back to Mom's room she was dressed and sitting up in her chair. Mom has developed a rapport with her aide, Hernando. This guy is a treasure, he is sensitive and supportive, he is her friend... the people who work at the place where Mom is staying are very nice and I am very pleased with the care she is getting. Sue and I went out to lunch and then I went back with her and said good-bye to Mom. The day before she had been given a bit of morphine and after about fifteen minutes she rolled over, pointed at me, and said in a strong voice "You be careful Peter, you be very careful!" Needless to say, I drove home cautiously, Sue made me promise to call as soon as I got home... it was a little eerie.

6/8/99 Tuesday

... Back to the world, Mokie got two asthma treatments one last night one this morning... Christy took her in to Kaiser. I took Tim to 'The Russian". Today she explained, that she was much to busy to attend Mike/Tim's IEP, (Individualized Education Plan) we didn't give her enough notice, she needs a 4 hour window to maneuver in, she hasn't prepared a report yet, "I only go to IEP's on Wednesdays". "I can't do IEP's in the mornings". All this while sitting in front of me, like a Kindergarten Teacher explaining to a 5-year-old that it isn't right and proper to pee in the wastepaper basket. I tried as dispassionately as I could to explain that the depths to which I could care less have been delved and this is it. Her presence at the IEP is a "Legal Formality". We will hold the IEP anyway and when ever she and the School bureaucrats can make arrangements to meet for an official IEP we will be there because it's important to us... She is behaving as though her contribution to this process is lynch-pin that holds the whole process together... Oh to be young and and an idol in my own eyes again...

6/9/99 Wednesday

...The Van's fuel pump finally surrendered to it's inevitable demise, I have listened to it's valiant battle for about a year. I took it in to T&J, Jeff said it might run over $200.00 to fix. I said OK. I got home and about 5 minutes later Jeff called and said the pump alone is $275.00 so the job would run about $475.00 the final bill was $440.00. He didn't charge me for the 20 minutes it took to chip the adobe off the top of the tank so he could get to it. Plus the 35 gallon tank was 3/4 full...

Tim & Cindy to new psychiatrist... his name is Doane (Like the little pills ... nice fella, but it was an hour and a half before we got in to see him... he was new to Kaiser and running late. We didn't get out of there till 21:30... it was a 18:00 appointment...

6/10/99 Thursday

... Christy took Autumn to Therapy, I stayed home and filled up the trash bin... When Chris came home we went out to lunch, something we said we wouldn't do... the only time we have to spend time together is during the day between putting Autumn on the bus at 11:00 and picking up kids at 14:45. We both need to loose weight and the fact that our only recreation seems to be 'lunch' is really bad.

I dropped Calie off at 'dance' and picked her up and went to the R.O.F. I had a pretty good time but I left early again. I did some grocery shopping on the way home and crashed... really tired for some reason.

6/11/99 Friday

...I took Autumn to Therapy today, I guess this is going to be the pattern. I enjoy watching the therapist's work with her and I am even picking up some pointers. I am a little annoyed that they won't let her fall or push herself. I tried to explain that I felt she needed to be allowed to fall when she exceeds her limitations, especially when she is on two-inch thick exercise mats. Also she is capable of much more than they are giving her credit for... I got corrected on that though, they were slowing her down to show her how to balance her weight over her hips. Autumn walks in her walker at a frantic pace inclined forward at about a twenty degree angle, she keeps herself erect with the strength in her arms and shoulders. I didn't have to meet Autumns School Bus because there is no school in Palmdale today so Autumn and I went shopping at Cost-Co.

When I got home Christy said Mrs. Gondar called to report another T.J. and Mokie rebellion, She said she would like to have a Parent, Student & Teacher meeting. The meeting was to be at 12:30, that left us 30 minutes to get through the meeting drive from Meadowlark to Champion Day Care to drop of Mokie and get to Acton School for Mike's IEP. When we got to Mrs. Gondar's office Mokie was fidgeting like she was on amphetamine's. Mokie has ADHD and is incapable of sitting still or following directions unless she takes Ritalin and the Ritalin has worn off by 10:30, Coincidentally, 10:30 is about the same time she decided she wouldn't stay in line for Mrs. McGrath, her teacher. Mokie is a perpetual motion machine, she sat in the chair about 10 seconds, she stood on the chair looked under the chair, looked under the table and took Autumn's paper and pencil, she looked around distractedly, asked if we could go to McDonalds, this all took place in less time than it took you to read about it. All through the meeting we had to remind her to pay attention and to look at the person who was talking to. Hard to keep a straight face through it all though...

We got Mokie to Champion and went to Mikes IEP, we were on time but they were running late.

We went home, Christy took off and picked up Calie at Meadowlark and I got the van to pick up the rest of the kids. Mike had made arrangements to go over to Cole's house so I dropped him off there. I had to wait because there were no adults there yet, Cole's dad showed up within about 5 minutes and said that it was all right for Mike to stay so I took off.

Now the big event of the day, I hope I can get this right...Cindy wanted to go to Jerrika's house for a visit... when we got home she couldn't find Jerrika's phone number in Mikes address book... we searched for about a half an hour. Cindy was in such a panic and cried so hard that I felt sorry for her. I said I would drive her over to Jerrika's house, she assured me that she knew where it was, I packed all the kids into the van and we drove over there to find the house, and of course, we couldn't find it, Cindy didn't have a clue. I drove to Mike's friend an we got the phone number, by that time it was 17:00. I tried to explain to Cindy that it was too late to go to to Jerrikas. I told her to call when we got home to set up a time to get together tomorrow. I said I would go to the Acton Market for ice-cream and Popsicle's. She seemed to understand, I got the ice-cream and Popsicles and drove home. Cindy tried to call Jerrika, got hold of Jerrika's older brother who said Jerrika was not home, Cindy went ballistic, kicked the bag my laptop is in and cussed me like it was all my fault that her plans had gone astray. Sometimes I really wonder what this business is all about, whether or not all the effort is worth the abuse and wear and tear on my psyche.

Tim called and asked if it was ok to spend the night, I said NO! a little harshly, I was upset about Cindy's behavior, so when he called back to ask if Cole could spend the night I said yes...

6/12/99 Saturday

... Christy left for church with the girls, Mokie stayed home. Cole had to be back by 11:00 so I took him home as soon as Chris left. We had called Cole's home before we left, no answer. We went to the house... nobody home, went to the Little League fields, they weren't there, I went to his home again, no body... went to the Acton Market for soda and went home...

Christy got home, we had the snake incident, I took Cole to the baseball field again, his family was there... I got home and Calie was in her swimming suit telling me I had to take her to her friend Sara's house and Cindy needed to be taken to her friend Julie's house. Christian and Mike went with a neighbor to Thousand Trails (Commercial campground, it's pretty there... too many rules for me to be comfortable though) The rest of the day will probably be the same... go here go there


My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

-Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

Journal for the week of

6/13/99 - 6/20/99
6/13/99 Sunday

...The kids and I did "Donut Day"... I'm never going to lose weight like this...

I spent the day shuttling kids around, I did finally post the 'Journal' last night... Whew... It was pretty long but at least it's not hanging over my head any more. I built a new ROF site too. It will be a little easier to update and I can put pictures in it...

6/14/99 Monday

...Went down to get an antenna for my PSC phone and ended up with two new phones, they had a promotion going on and I got them both for $60... it took about 3 hours to do though because of canceling old numbers, contract issues on the old phones blah blah blah. Anyway, it's real cute, mine has a Coca-Cola motif, instant rebate...I probably got screwed again but that's the story of my life...

Question: Are you still deemed to be ripped off if you think you got a good deal?

All I know ...ain't much...

6/15/99 Tuesday

13:00

...Sue called, mom's time is near... drove to Scottsdale, got in about 2000...

Sue had called me at home at about 13:00 and said that mom was getting pretty bad. There are physiological indicators that forecast when death is eminent. Mom is exhibiting several. It took till about 1950 to get here. I think that I can drive to Phoenix in my sleep.

21:00

My sister Susan has been here at the Nursing home all day, she is pretty tired, I think she went home to try and get some sleep about 20:30. I can only imagine what Sue has been through. The burden of mom's illness has been on her shoulders since the onset. Sue has made all the decisions and made all the arrangements for mom's care since Mom's heart attack back in '89? Leigh and I would confer with her and I pretend we made some contribution to the decision making process, but in reality it was Sue. She is an amazing woman.

23:45

It is quarter to midnight now. The nurse just came in and gave mom a dose of something that seems to have made her a little more comfortable.6/16/99

6/16/99 Wednesday

00:45

My mother is lying in her bed in front of me, I sense she will not survive till morning... but I have said that to myself at least three times over the past 6 months. I have no credibility in that department.

She can't really communicate with us, there is nothing I can do to help her. Sue has been talking to her for hours every day in the belief that Mom can hear and understand... and up until a day or so ago I think she did.

I have not really thought all this through yet, I tried but though my brain is pretty good at reacting to things, it isn't particularly strong at analysis. I don't even understand why I am here exactly. Even though I am relatively certain that she is oblivious to my presence I just don't want her to be alone. I want this to end, I want her to be at peace and not suffer any more.

I wish I could say good-bye in some meaningful way but I am emotionally a little zombiephied and I have never been particularly eloquent orally. My feelings are deeply sublimated... Thankfully... like with my dad, I will be doing something innocently someday, watching a movie, reading a book, looking at a sunset and I will fall apart.

It has been a long, tedious, painful, undignified, at times sad and aggravating process, it has been hard on her, but she has endured the indignities with good spirits, strength and grace. She rarely complained about the pain she endured, she did all she could, and fought hard to recover from her illnesses... her words "a good soldier".

I have no idea why, but I am thinking of Mel Tormé, he died 10 days ago. I was sitting at the Burbank Airport a while back and he and a much younger woman, (his Wife?) sat down next to me. A frail old man, he seemed very unsteady, needed help getting around when he walked. He was wearing a black overcoat over his shoulders, a scarf, brand new denim trousers and brand new blue and white Adidas. He stared straight ahead and pretended that nobody was looking at him. I felt an uncontrollable urge to shake his hand and tell him that I have genuinely enjoyed his music over the years. So I did... I have never done that before... or since... It was as though my intrusion had pushed a button that turned on the "Mel Tormé" persona... He shook my hand, then he looked me in the eye and said in a strong voice, " Thank you". Then he stared off into space again.

01:00

The nurse came in and asked me if I was aware of the gravity of my mothers situation, I said I was..

I noticed my mother was not breathing as easily as when I first arrived.

02:00

The nurse came in and looked at mom and asked if I wanted to call for a priest or would I like for her to get me a Bible. I asked if it was that close to the end, she said that it wouldn't be long, I said I needed to call my sister I asked if she thought there would be enough time. She said I had better call now, I did. Sue said she would be there as soon as she could, about 40 minutes.

O2:30

The nurse brought me a bible. It was one of those New Improved things where everything in it has been modified so even incredibly stupid people can understand it. I couldn't make heads or tails of it. I struggled for a while and finally found the Lord's Prayer or at least it was a reasonable facsimile... as I was reading it I looked up and ...

02:48

My mother had stopped breathing... she is with dad... dancing...

03:15

Sue and Ross arrived... I had reached them on the cell-phone... Sue was fine, we packed up the rest of mom's things... there wasn't much... I followed them home ... we talked a bit... I went to sleep as the sun was coming up...

6/17/99 Thursday

... Christy took Autumn to Therapy, I ran errands,

I got the Car lubed at "Pit Stop", I have put so many miles on it in the past month it was 2000 miles over it's limit from the last trip to them,... Every other time I have gone to this place a little guy runs out and asks me what I want done, takes the keys, says thank you and I go get something to eat across the street at "Karen's Kitchen". I pulled up and parked... nobody came to the car, I got out and went to the barricade and two of the guys looked up at me but said nothing. I went to the back and went into the waiting room and still they looked at me like I was the enemy.

I went to the DMV because when I registered my car it was from out of state and they required this arbitrary $300.00 Out Of State fee. This fee is in now a Class Action Suit. I read in Yahoo that the State lost the suit so I went down to get my money...Poor little naive me... The lady at the counter said she has "..not been informed of any class action suit.."

Laid back day... to day is the penultimate day of the school year. I am not prepared for what's ahead... I anticipate that I will be working feverishly to get the MotorMonster on the road... I have another flat on the passenger side rear outside tire... still need a wiper for the driver's side and seatbelts...

6/18/99 Friday

... Last day of school and it's a short day too, gotta pick Calie up at 12:35 and the rest at 12:50...

Christy has Autumn at Therapy and I ran errands again, Bank, School to pay for a book Cindy lost, Post Office, UPS to drop off the old CD-ROM Writer, Cleaners to drop of a dress for Christy to wear in Milwaukee, Sears to get some cloths, I have nothing to wear to the funeral... My Blue Blazer fits a bit too snug (Must have shrunk) and since my waist is now a little lower than it used to be my trousers don't fit either... no shoes, only tennis shoes... And Best Buy... just because I like to drool on the new PC's.

I stayed up scanning pictures from the book David Daggett loaned me. I got my copy and the pictures are really bad. The book is "A History Of The Doggett - Daggett Family" compiled by Samuel Bradlee Doggett Published in 1894. The one I got is a "reprint" of the original created by the Higginson Book Company in Salem, Massachusetts:

http://www.higginsonbooks.com/

It appears to be a bound, Xerox copy of the book. It is exactly 600 pages of genealogical data and anecdotes about Daggett/Doggetts. The Original has my great grandfather William is listed as still alive newly married to Harriet...David also loaned me the supplement to this book that takes it up into the '70s. I am even listed on page 502 of the supplement. I ordered the Supplement too, it is still in print... If any of you Daggett's are interested:

Jon Mayo, Tuttle Antiquarian Books, Inc., 28 South Main Street, , Rutland, Vermont 05701 U. S. A. Tel: (802) 773-8229 Fax: (802) 773-1493 e-mail Address: tuttbook@together.net Form of Payment: VISA, MasterCard, American Express Returns Policy: Non-returnable unless defective Shipping: $5.00 first volume $1.00 each additional volume Specialty: Genealogies, regional Americana, miniature books The title you selected is: G. H. & S. B. Daggett: DOGGETT. A Supplement to the Section Entitled, "John Doggett- Daggett of Martha's Vineyard" From the ; 1974. (Hist.) of the Doggett-Daggett Family USD35.00

These folks also do the "A History Of The Doggett - Daggett Family" It's not a hardback though but all the data is there and it's about $20 cheaper.

6/19/99 Saturday

... I had Christian, "B" and Da Moke while Christy took the rest to Church. I made up my mind to put them to work loading trash into the trash bin. It took a lot of energy on my part just to get them out the door. I use a 20' section of chainlink chained to the back of my tractor like a sled to haul heavy stuff around, it works pretty good because as I drag it across the ground it turns the dried weeds into mulch and it also smoothes out the ground.

I have a pile of dried up old wood, (used to be a fence), and I had the kids help me pile it onto the chainlink. There is a big rattler living under the juniper down there so I had my hoe with me. I have seen him twice and the kids have seen him one other time. This one makes me nervous but I can't seem to catch him when he's out hunting. Anyway, the kids piled onto the pile of wood and I hauled it up the hill to the bin. We unloaded it and then I took them for a ride, they sat on the chainlink while I hauled them around. I got them so dirty I could only tell them apart by their voices and height. They did work pretty hard though...amazing.

We got cleaned up and went out for some ice cream.

When Christy got back I went out for a couple hours, I dropped Mike off at hid friend Isidro's house. I bought a couple parts for the Motorhome and did some grocery shopping, Tomorrow we go to Riverside for Fathers Day and to celebrate my and my Father-in-laws Birthday. We were born on the same day 20 years apart. My brother-in-law Mr. William Bowman II was also born on the same day. Our birthdays aren't until the 23rd but I will be in Milwaukee then...

Chris took all the kids to Thousand Trails and I get to play here on the PC for a while.

Christy has gone to the store in Palmdale for the makings for her "Famous Spaghetti Salad" been gone since 18:30 it is now 2130... I called her, she's on her way... I want to get to bed... she has tons of stuff... dread

6/20/99 My Day

... Well we survived Riverside, had I nice visit actually. Grandma / Grandpa, Karen / Blaine, Pat / Mike, Craig / Shawn. I got through the whole affair without drinking any beer, that's a first I think... It was Fathers Day and since my birthday is only three days hence and I share it with my Father-in-law we celebrated that too.

The kids played on the sidewalk, which's a big attraction since we don't have any here in Acton. Calie roller-skated and her knees are all bruised and scuffed.

Checked out the itinerary for Milwaukee with Sue... Bill got us some airline tickets for the 22nd..

We have to be at an IEP in Palmdale for Autumn at 0900 and we get on a plane at 14:35 we will arrive at 22:00 Milwaukee time. The Interment in the Church will be at 10:00 on the 23rd, a service will be held at 13:00, a reception at the Town Club at 14:00... we fly out on the 24th at 17:15, back in the traces the following morning.
Fathers Day

It's 0500 Fathers Day Morning... I am siting here contemplating all the ramifications, Christy left with Calie to go to Wal-Mart (The only place open this time of day) to get her Dad and I a gift. She took all the kids out yesterday...and gave me about 3 hours of tranquility... that was nice.

One of the lists I received sent a real heavy handed Fathers Day sentimentality, I have seen it several times but never really felt it had much impact:

A Child's Lament

4 Years Old -My Daddy can do anything.

5 Years Old -My Daddy knows a whole lot.

6 Years Old -My Daddy is smarter than your Dad.

8 Years Old -My dad doesn't know exactly everything.

10 Years Old - In the olden days when my Dad grew up, things were different.

12 Years Old - Oh well, naturally, Father doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.

14 Years Old - Don't pay any attention to my Father. He is so old fashioned.

21 Years Old - Him? Lord, he's so hopelessly out of date.

25 Years Old - Dad knows a little about it, but then he should, because he's been around so long.

35 Years Old - Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.

45 Years Old - I'm not going to do a single thing until I talk to Dad.

55 Years Old - I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience.

65 Years Old - I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him.

I will be at my mother's funeral on Wednesday, we will be placing her ashes next to my father who died in April of 1985. It occurs to me that I should be writing about Mom here, the reality is that in my mind, my mother and father are one entity, parents, when I write about one I am really writing about both.

I was 40 almost 41 when my dad died. Using the list above I had attained the knowledge that he might have some insight into the "why's of the world" and suspected that his opinion might actually be of value. Then I jumped right to the "I wonder what dad would have thought about ..." stage.

I will be 56 on Wednesday. It is possible that I will live to see 70 or so, some Daggett's make it into their 80's, and with modern medicine, who knows how long I will be creaking around. But realistically, with the way I forget to take my medications, get minimal exercise, attract stress like a lightning rod, and eat like a 14 year old. I might not make it to Friday... Dr Teggat, my Cardiologist just shakes his head at me. I will probably leave my kids before they attain the knowledge that "The 'Ole Man' wasn't such an idiot after all stage"... Too Bad. It does cause me to pause though. These kids were dealt a lousy hand to have been placed in Foster Care in the first place. I tell myself that adopting them was/is a good thing and given the alternative I guess it was, but they are going to be fending for themselves sooner than is ideal I'm afraid.

I wish I could think of something funny here but I'm a little melancholy so I will just end it with a quote:

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

Michael Levine

Picture: Leigh, Susan, Fat guy with a mustache, Christy and Ross (Looks just like Paul Newman doesn't he) Bill, Leigh's lackey, for reference he looks like Rex Harrison, took the picture.

We see but dimly through the mists and vapors;

Amid these earthly damps

What seem to us but sad, funeral tapers

May be heaven's distant lamps.

-Longfellow (1819-1892)

6/22/99

We decided to take a later flight because we needed to attend Autumn's IEP at 0900. Our flight left at 14:35, right on time, got to Denver and due to strategic planning by United our flight landed at gate # 6 and our connecting flight was at gate #56…we need the exercise, it's good we had an hour between flights…

My vision started to get blurry on me again after reading for less than half an hour, I will put that on the agenda of things to get taken care of when I get back home…We appear to be over Nebraska flying next to a storm… it is really beautiful… My sister Sue is planning to pick us up… Bill and Leigh are already in town and we aren't due to touch down till 2200 Milwaukee time… Tomorrow is plotted out from about 0930 till 1600. I will be meeting people I haven't seen in 35 years and people I have seen but don't know. I am not very good at remembering names, I say that all the time but the truth is that, actually, what I am not good at ia putting names and faces together.

There are several people who I am anxious to see again, and a few that will be tough to deal with, Mom's best friend Jean Tanner for one, I anticipate having a hard time keeping control of my emotions when I see her again… There will be others too. Sue and Leigh both have family in Milwaukee on their husband's side but I suspect that this will be my last trip back for a long time…

Christy and I decided to stay another day, we will fly out on Thursday at 1715… I didn't want to rush out after the funeral it seems like I need to take a long last look at the town before I go… Snap a picture or two… probably won't be back for a while.

I read someone's observation that women get less sentimental as they grow older and men get blubbery with age… I suspect that there is a lot of truth in that… I used to be pretty much oblivious to the emotional side of life… Oh, I could laugh and get angry or irate but sentimentality is relatively new to me… I guess it was my father's death that triggered my emotional downfall stoic indifference. I had no clue as to how much I would miss him, I even miss the idea of him. Now that my mother has gone too I am adrift in a way… they were a link to the core of who I am. I have two uncles left but they are back in New England and we were never what could be called 'close'. I have been calling my Uncle Bob in New Hampshire sporadically… we share an interest in genealogy, but that barely counts. I have cousins all over the place that I have been trying to rekindle relationships with. It seems sort of old-fashioned to be concerned about family these days, we hardly ever hear of people agonizing about losing touch with their extended families. I suppose it's sort of impractical in this era. My family is spread from coast to coast and from the Canadian to Mexican border, if everyone had access to the net it would be easier but...

When we got on the plane in Denver Chris noted that there was no First Class seating, it occurred to me to say "Why on earth would they need a First Class section, we're going to Milwaukee"… but I held my tongue, cheap shots are not my style, well, actually they are but I hate myself in the morning. Wisconsinites as a rule would prefer not to fly first class even if they can afford it, it goes against the Lutheran Ethic that Garrison Keillor expounds on so eloquently.

It's 10 minutes after 20:00 and we're about 30 minutes out of Billy Mitchell Field… I see the FA approaching with some coffee the weather has kept them out of the aisle so they are late… I could really use some coffee …caffeine withdrawals can be a pain literally, 8 hours without coffee gives me a headache…

The plane touched down 28 minutes late and it was another 10 minutes to the gate… Sue was waiting with stories of her own to tell. They kept telling her the plane would be in "in 10 minutes"… glad I wasn't flying it or I would be in big trouble.

We are at the Residence Inn in Glendale, a suburb North of Milwaukee … very nice… several quantum jumps from our usual fare. Ross & Sue, Bill & Leigh and Bill Jr. and Meg are all stashed in rooms somewhere about the hotel. I tried to leave a message for Jeanne at the hotel she said she would be at and they hadn't heard of her, no reservations no nothing…I wasn't real impressed with my ability to motivate the person I talked to though so I guess I'll try again in the morning.

6/23/99

Christy wished me a happy birthday… sort'a startled me. I knew it was my birthday on some level but I was so focused on the impending events of the day I guess I sublimated it. I walked down for some fruit, a cup of coffee and a paper. There used to be two papers in Milwaukee, the Journal and the Sentinel, they merged several years' back and with the inventive creativeness Milwaukee is noted for they renamed the paper the "Milwaukee Journal Sentinel".

It's 0715 here in Milwaukee, 0515 on my planet I have been up since 0330 PST… I will be dragging before the day is done

I just went to the 'Lobby' again for breakfast with Sue and Ross, Leigh came by on the way to church, we all went out and sang Happy Birthday to Bill when he drove up to pick her up. Did I mention that my Father-in-law b. 1923, my Brother-in-law b. 1949 and myself b. 1943 all have birthdays on the same day

The plan is to get to the church a little early so that we can take care of some of the prerequisite business. I can't honestly say how I feel about this impending ceremony… I wish I was more tuned in to my emotions but perhaps it's for the best that, I don't anticipate that I will get very emotional. I have been preparing for this quite a while.

We will walk down and meet Ross at 10:00 for a ride to the church.

I should mention here that my sister Susan Rae Dean is a truly amazing woman. I provided nothing but emotional support, and pathetic little of that. Susan has shouldered the responsibility for my mother from the day my father died. She stood by Mom through physically, emotionally and financially difficult times. Her husband Ross has been a rock, I suspect that a lot of her strength came from him. I owe them both a profound debt of gratitude.

We made it to the church on time and met Sue & Leigh. There was a solid contingent of Deans, Ross Sr. & Betty, Ross, Rich & Linda, & Rob. Jean Tanner and Polly, and The Bowman's; Meg and William II and William III. The Columbarium is in the basement of Christ Church, it is shaped like an H, an aisle down both sides and down either side of the cross bar. There isn't a lot of room down there but we got through the interment ceremony ok… Mom is with dad again…

We went across the street to Hinemann's for lunch and had a nice break. I think the original intent was to space out all the events so that we would have a chance to recover from one before the next one starts.

The next hurdle was the funeral service up in the big church. We were all seated in the first pew on the left side of the church. It became painfully obvious that that was not the optimum seating arrangement so Christy and I moved across the aisle to the next pew. Much better. I was a little uncomfortable with the idea that I was in the front row and there was nobody to emulate sitting in front of me… it's been a long time since I was in church and all the Episcopal rituals were a little fuzzy in my mind. The ceremony started and I did well, nary a tear..... until they got to a Hymn that I knew. It was a Hymn that my dad used to love to belt out called YE WATCHERS AND YE HOLY ONES and I opened my mouth to give it my best shot and totally lost it… blubbered like a baby… I thought it would take a while to hit me but … it didn't.

My cousins Jeanne and Jo(anne) both showed up with their husbands Jack and Mark respectively, I had only met Jack once before and I had never met Mark. I wish we had had more time to get to know one another. I hope someday we can have some sort of reunion but we are so spread out now it hardly seems feasible. I wonder if Jeanne and Jack can put up 50 or sixty people... just kidding...

The final hurdle was the reception, I did my best to mingle and say hello and accept condolences graciously but I was overwhelmed pretty much right off the bat. So many faces, and names that I have encountered over the past 50 years and though it sounds flip to say I did real good remembering names and an even better job remembering faces where I failed dismally was trying to put the names and the faces together. I even drew a blank when I shook hands with Jean Atkinson who I have known since I was 8, I wanted to crawl under the rug but there were no rugs… it got so bad I had to go hide in a corner and I talked to Billy and Janet and Jeanne.

Ross brought us back and I took a nap (I'm old), Ross played 5 sets of tennis (He's older but in much better shape). Then we went out to eat at the Silver Spring House, got some ice-cream in Mequon and came home… tomorrow is a free day, haven't a clue what we will do but I am looking forward to it.

6/24/99

We got up at 07:00 and met Sue and Ross for a continental breakfast. I tried to rent a car locally but it was such a hassle that I called the airport. It is clear on the other side of Milwaukee but that's only a 20-minute drive even at rush hour... Sue and Ross took us to the Billy Mitchell Field and we got a nice car.

Christy and I drove around, I saw everything I needed to see in about an hour and a half, we had a 'real' breakfast and did some shopping. I drove down to Cudahy and went to Grant park. I have never been there before, it was beautiful, we walked on the beach. (Christy noted that there were four life guards for about 16 people in LA there would be four lifeguards for 16,000 people.) We drove back near the airport, had an Arby's and turned in the car.

We flew out at 15:15 to Denver, landed at gate 61. We had just under an hour layover. I looked at the "Departures" monitor and it said "Burbank gate 23" we got to gate 23 and there was a plane there but not ours, it said "Calgary". I looked at the Departures monitor again and now it said Gate 35... so we went there and waited to be called. We boarded the plane. At 10 minutes to take off time they announced that the flight to Burbank was canceled, there were only about 50 people on board so I assumed they thought it wasn't cost effective. They said that United would fly us into LAX or Ontario on later flights. Every body was incredibly pissed. After standing in two lines for about 15 minutes they said "Never mind, we found another plane at gate 23... Hmmm, sounds familiar, we went there and boarded about a half hour late... on the plane we were supposed to be on in the first place... they screwed up the gates in the computer... they never admitted it though... free drinks all the way to Burbank, I had a nice time.

6/25/99

I took Autumn to her last therapy session till October, unless we can get her vendored down there through DSS. Christy will give it a shot next week, she is pretty good at pulling strings and getting things accomplished that others say can't be done.

Mike, "B" and Cindy went to their first day of summer school, they seemed pretty docile, Tim-Mike put up a token resistance but his heart wasn't in it.

Christy went to Glendale with Christian, Mokie and Calie.

I took Mike and Christian shopping at CostCo and Albertson's..

6/26/99

Got all the kids ready for church Christy left late... every Saturday we seem to have the same battle, not worth the anxiety if you ask me...

I kept Christopher and called his mom, she said she would call before just before she left.

Christopher called his dad, said he was lonely, I took him to McDonalds, they showed up just as we sat down. I just love it when someone hands one of my kids a treat just before he gets in the car with six other kids who have ... no treats... how to make friends and be popular by Pete Daggett.

Christy came home "B" had been a major disappointment apparently, "B" said "I don't want to listen to that old man, he's boring!" he said "I'm bored", and made farting noises and other sounds. He was just a little snot. He got up and walked out and Christy had to take him to the "Baby Room". He escaped from there and someone had to corral him and find Christy... Then Mokie took her cue from "B" and started being a goof-ball...

She took all the kids to Riverside to visit with Grandma & Grandpa, her sister Suzie and her grandkids

I kept "B" home and he did a little manual labor, we went out to eat and did some window-shopping. I missed a good deal on a truck so I went out looking for another one... I looked a van's too, then I went to Best-Buy and drooled on some electronical goodies.

Chris got the kids home about 22:30... the kids were good and she was happy...

At the pool there was a kid from the neighborhood there who couldn't swim. This kid was trying to stuff himself into a tiny baby flotation ring. Tim-Mike was sprawled debonairly on a chaise lounge, watching him struggling unsuccessfully to get in this little pink and yellow tube. Christy's sister told Chris she heard Tim-Mike say to the kid; "There are pretty girls here and you're embarrassing yourself." Suzie had to stifle a laugh. Tim-Mike was surrounded by girls all the time he was there. It's funny now but it doesn't bode well for future...

6/27/99

Christy had finished getting all the girls ready for camp last night. We worked on Christian's stuff and got sleeping bags for everyone. Calie is really excited about going, she is just bouncing off the walls. She has the whole brochure memorized and has such high expectations that I am a little concerned that the place won't live up to the hype. Cindy has a frozen smile on her face and seems a little like a deer in headlights. Christian is just READY... Christian did mention that this is going to be the first time he as been away from us for more than 6 hours since he was born... he's a sharp kid.

Tim-Mike had a swim party to go to over at Jesse's house so we dropped him off first, we got to the Church parking lot in Van Nuys about an hour early, the bus was already there. I was a little bit of a 'mother hen' I even checked out a leak in the back of the bus, it was only oil, not hydraulic fluid, I couldn't care less if the damn bus blows an engine as long as the brakes work. I took pictures and kissed them good-by they haven't been away from me for over six hours either.

The up side to all this is that we only have four kids for the next week, taking one kid out of the equation for a while works wonders on their behavior, three ought to have a significant effect.

Christy's leg is swollen and very painful, like gout, could be phlebitis or Thrombosis or a combination of Phlebitis and Thrombosis, or ... anything. She went to Kaiser but there was a 4 hour wait so she came home after getting an appointment for tomorrow at three thirty. I will post this tomorrow....

Picture is of Autumn in her Sunday best

Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last honesty and truth.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

June 30, 1999

Judy called from Colorado, Judy is the wife of Sheldon. I wrote about them, briefly a while back...she is the friend of Christy that we met for dinner last month in Denver.. We had dinner with them twice and I really enjoyed talking with them... She told Christy that yesterday morning Sheldon committed suicide in the restroom at Kaiser Hospital in Denver.

Sheldon had a heart attack last year, he couldn't go back to work, he was depressed about not being able to find another job... and only he and his God know what other pressures he had.

Judy is alone, she has no family left. Suicide is such a selfish way to solve your problems, damn, damn, damn.

Sheldon was a car salesman, he was very good at it, had his picture on billboards in the Antelope Valley as the top salesman of the year. 10 years later people who bought cars from him would look him up when they needed a new one. Sheldon was a thoughtful, honest, tough-minded man. It frightens me when I hear that someone I respect could add up the sums and totals of all that they are and decide the next step, the 'logical solution', is to kill themselves. This is the third one...

It reinforces my suspicions that anyone, given the proper circumstances;

	a desperate situation
	frustration
	hopelessness
	stress piled on day after day
	feeling alone
	overwhelming responsibilities
	feeling useless
	losing control of your own destiny
	failing health
	...whatever.

I think we are all very lucky that we have not been confronted with the combination of stress and torment that would tempt us to choose ... selfishness.

What a slender tightrope our mortality walks, some people are stronger than others, some are blessed with family, friends, good health, a powerful religious conviction... some aren't... it doesn't matter, we are all vulnerable to depression.

On that cheery note, I will sign off for the day....

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

-Shakespeare-

6/28/99 Monday

...I called a fella named Lou to tell him I was interested in buying his truck, I had seen it with a 'For Sale' sign on it down at a neighbors house... I set up an appointment to test drive it tomorrow.

Christy's leg is still bothering her, she went to Kaiser, they sent her over to Antelope Valley Hospital for some tests, when she got back the Doctor had gone home, Christy is dangerously irked. I wouldn't want to be the next Kaiser employee to cross her path.

9/29/99 Tuesday

...I took "B" to school, Christy went back to Kaiser about her leg, I took Tim, DaMoke and Autumn to McDonalds for breakfast. I ordered food and left Tim to bring it back to the table... We were shorted a Biscuit, egg, bacon & cheese sandwich. I walked to the counter and said "Forgot the Biscuit egg bacon & cheese sandwich" Two people in line assumed I was cutting in front of them and said "Hey, what's going on, don't you see the line!?" A man and a woman unrelated to one another, they just instinctively joined forces to repel the infidel. Why are people so willing to assume that they have been affronted, these idiots were prepared to do battle with out even asking a question.

I took all three kids to Saugus so Tim could talk to the Russian. She just waved at me, I must have answered all her questions last time, or perhaps she saw DaMoke and Autumn and chose the lesser part of valor.

Christy has Phlebitis, they have prescribed medication and she seems to feel better already... I think just getting a diagnosis has made her feel better.

I went to Lou's house to check out the truck... it is a monster...I took it for a test drive and it appears that there is something wrong with the fuel transfer system for one of the tanks, I switched tanks and it took off like a scalded cat, a BIG scalded cat...

I went over it the best I could, talked about the air conditioning belts that weren't attached. The truck was purchased in California, registered in Nevada, so we talked about how to deal with the paperwork and the logistics of getting it to T&J Auto Repair for the gas tank and AC...blah, blah, blah...

Billy, Christy's sister Pats son, has let Grandpa and Grandma use his pickup truck while he is overseas. Billy climbed several rungs of my estimation with that move by the way... Billy's truck needs to be repaired before it is smogged, catalytic converter is no good and needs to be replaced...some one said $800. Pat wants to get the truck back from Grandpa and park it, since it's registered in Colorado and lease Grandpa a new car...I think that it would be cheaper just to buy them a used car...

I went down to the local car lot and test drove some of their cars, they are cheap and most of them are on their last legs, one or two seemed ok, I will get them checked at T&J tomorrow

6/30/99 Wednesday

...Another beautiful day in "THE EDEN OF THE MOJAVE"

I took kids to Summer School with minimal hassle...

I bought Mokie a breakfast at McD's, she is a perpetual motion menace to Society... she is a handful... she really can't stop moving. We stopped at the Union 76 station and bought Autumn a donut.

Christy went with her buddy Bonnie to pick up Bonnie's son at Burbank Airport and to buy some books in Glendale

Got the brakes done on the Pontiac, they were original equipment, not bad, they had just started squeaking last Friday, they lasted 7 years, or should I say, they lasted until I started driving it...

I went across the street and left the kids with "The lady who sells the cars here in Acton" and took a little red Nissan with an automatic transmission, that I had test driven yesterday over to be inspected by the pro's at T&J Auto Repair. Leaking head gasket, inoperable air conditioner, left turn signal didn't work, horn didn't work... so I took it back and tried the little red Nissan four-speed. It ran well, it didn't leak oil the air-conditioner and radio worked so I told "The lady who sells the cars here in Acton" I would take it.

The guy I am buying a truck from called while I was there and said he was too tired to bring the truck out today, he's retired, in his sixty's and he'd been building forms for his neighbor's driveway and over did... that's ok...

"The lady who sells the cars here in Acton" said she needed cash or cashiers check... Grrrr, I drove to my bank ...(Valencia)... (32 miles)... (one way)... (Long line)... I must look like a criminal or something, yesterday those two Cretans in McD's and today "The lady who sells the cars here in Acton". What ever happened to the value of a mans word and a hand-shake, hell, she's a neighbor of mine...?

I drove the Buick and Christy drove the Nissan to Riverside. Christy surprised Grandma and Grandpa with it while I took the kids to the pool. Grandma said "You shouldn't have" Grandpa cried... It feels pretty good to do something nice for them... Thanks Mom...

I called the guy with the truck to set up a time to get together to go to AAA to handle the paperwork. He said he would knock $500 off because of the gas tank and the air-conditioning... cool... saves me telling him he'd have to fix it before I bought it. Then said, "Are you going to bring cash or a cashiers check?" I said "You won't accept my check?" He said "Hell no, I don't accept anybody's check"... damn... I guess it's not unreasonable of him considering today's society... but damn.., it's just turning into such an embarrassing, and humbling hassle... I am sorely tempted to tell him to keep his truck until he finds somebody trustworthy to sell it to. I need a Ford F350, 1 Ton, Dually like I need solid gold toilet seat.